Hello everyone. I am a 21-year-old boy, who in past had a great interest in gymming. When i was 15-16 years old i had one of the best physique in my state. I also competed in competitions at that age and won titles, which gave attention to many people in my town. I was living my best life. Many pro-athletes had great hope in me that i would bring great pride to our state. Though i use to smoke weed(daily) and drink alcohol only on weekends. I use to smoke weed almost daily at the time as it use to make me hungry to maintain my 6 times diet and boost my creativity. I wasn't a hardcore stoner, but use to smoke just so that i would get hungry and could sleep early as my brain won't just shut down of all thoughts coming at night.

As my high school came to end, one of my best friends who use to call me everyday after my paper ended and asked how it all went. When my last high-school paper ended I was waiting for his call to have a party and start a new chapter of our adult life. On that day another friend who was walking with me to home got a call from someone that a guy died in a car accident at night. I asked what's his name, he said taashi, i got stunned as it was also the name of my best friend. But i didn't thought much as many people in our town have the same name. Later as more calls came it got confirmed that the person who died was my best friend. It was one of the worst day of my life, as when i expected a new chapter of my life I had to hear the news of my friend's death. It was also the first death of someone close in my life so i couldn't bear the situation. We went to his house and talked to his father it was really depressing day as i remember. Fast forward to 2-3 days after i was crying remembering his last words and memories we had together. I knew he won't come again, but i didn't knew how to move on. I didn't had any other friend also like him who would make me laugh and make me come out of my depressing state.

I thought i need something to escape this reality.

I smoked weed, but it would rather take me to a much more difficult state where i would go deep in remembering his last words. Drinking alcohol was not an option as in our culture when someone dies it's not something seen as good.

Seeing my situation one of my old friend came and consoled me. He took out aluminum foil and put white powder in it and inhaled the smoke. Then he gave it to me to inhale it. As i took the smoke, it felt as if everything around me is good. I forgot everything and took me in a state where i was the king and everything was good. I asked what was that thing, he said heroin. I didn't knew much about how dangerous drug it was and i didn't thought much about it as it made me better after so many days of depressed state.

As days passed i started staying with my old friend who had heroin and we use to smoke it every day. Few days after i even forgot one of my best friend died and all his memories as i was so high on the drug. In the end i was happy( which i wrongly thought so). I had stopped going to gym since my friend death and just smoking heroin.

After 6 months i had to take admission in college, so me and my father went for admission. It was my first day after 6 months without being high on heroin. As i went to college, i felt a sudden pain on my stomach as if someone stabbed me with a knife in my stomach. I just sat on the floor of campus and sweating as if i came from taking shower. My father got worried, i said i wanted to go to washroom. We found washroom and after taking dump i came back feeling better. After doing all formalities of admission we came back home, i couldn't sleep that day, i didn't knew why. Somehow i slept for 2-3 hours and another day i went to my friend who had heroin and said to him what all happened yesterday.

He said to me, my friend withdrawals started to you. I said what all happens in it, and as he said i could relate to all of the things which he said.

Days passed and i got more addicted, even forgetting to keep on my diet. A person who use to eat 5-6 time a day, was now only eating 2 times or even 1 time a day. Everyone around me who had great hope for me and my future started asking why i was getting weak day by day. I was asked so much questions about my health and my physique that i again got depressed. So much depressed that i stopped going to town's streets.

Day passed and parents came to know about my drug situation, they didn't knew how to help me out.

But they kept hope in me, yet they cut all financial help as they now came to know that i was spending it all on drugs.

Now the cravings kept getting worse, i went to the hospital for treatment and they gave me suboxone. It helped me alot and i started to live normally again, but i relapsed again.

After that i got on and off of heroin for 4 years!

I took first puff of heroin on 2018 september and on 2020 i started injecting it. Till now situations ain't better. I didn't got a single friend who advised me or tried to help me out of the situation as they feared even they would become like me. People in my town even gave example of me, to stay away from heroin as if a person like me could end up in this situation then anyone can.

I was the motivation for many people in my age group during school as i use to cope up with studies and also maintain a physique that even many 5-6 years older than me didn't had.

I had wasted so much money on heroin that i could had my personal car and all luxuries with great respect in society if i spent all that money on me.

I even made my parent's financial condition bad, as till now my situation hasn't gotten better. Now i have cut off of my junky friends and don't have any friends. The people who use to praise me during my peak of bodybuilding competitions have also lost hope. I feel really sad and don't know how to help me.

Still i keep on going to my drug dealers, and injecting heroin alone in my room. It just gives me 2-3 hours of happiness and then i am depressed again.

My financial conditions are really bad and i don't know how to mentally prepare myself to come out of this.

I am new on reddit and saw many people share there life stories anonymously, so to burst out my feelings out i thought to get help from strangers who were in my situation.

I want to live life again like a normal dude. In past, i hated the word normal, as i never wanted to be average in my life. But seeing my situation, i just want to be normal again.

Please advice me any books or how to cope up with the situation.

Though i haven't still shared all my bad humiliating experiences with cops and how much i lied to get money for dope.

Sorry for the bad english.