We're the Hedo noobs. And here's how it went down from start to finish, plus some tips for navigating your first trip "home." Overall, be prepared to have so much fun that you won't want to leave; we extended our trip by a day while we were there.

Booking: We booked direct through the resort, got an oceanview prude side room, as it was our first visit. And we're actually glad we chose that side of things, but we'll say more on that in a minute. Rate wasn't terrible, but apparently groups get blocks of rooms and sometimes get discounts. There was a group there during our recent stay and we're fairly certain they paid maybe 20% less than we did for their rooms.

Club Mobay: 100% worth it. We had a personal escort through customs, flew by what had to be a thousand people who looked on in disgust as we were ferried past. Felt pretty damn baller, NGL. Also highly recommend Global Entry, though that's more for upon return to the US. Same thing, flew through, but no escort needed. G.E. didn't seem to do much for us in Jamaica, but then again we didn't need it to.

Transportation: I thought our Club Mobay booking had included transport, but I must not have selected that option. No worries, Club Mobay worked it out for us on the spot, and it was $100/rt for both of us in a little bus. FYI, it takes about 90 minutes to 2 hours, on average, to get from Montego Bay to Negril / Hedo. A couple who deplaned with us, though, said it took them 3 hours to get there when they arrived. YMMV. The roads are AWFUL, at least right now. Full of potholes. And the rules of the road... well there aren't any, so it's an experience all its own to have 18 wheelers on the wrong side of the road (dodging a pothole) coming right at you. I would not recommend renting a car.

Cell phone: Check your plan in advance! My plan, Verizon, was $12/day. My girl's, T-Mobile, was free. I believe a friend on AT&T had to pay something. Put your phone on airplane mode until you know for sure.

Arrival & Check-In: We got to Hedo at about 6 pm, and arrived on a full bus. Fortunately we got in a bit ahead of everyone else, as it was a bit of a mess checking in. They take your passports to scan them in, and it initially feels like they're not coming back with them. A bit disconcerting but all good in the end. You have to fill out more forms (pretty sure we completed all of these when booking!) which took a while, and they take a $250 security deposit. All in all check in took another 30 minutes. But they did immediately bring us drinks lol.

Room: A bit of a let down, but not that big of a deal since we didn't spend much time in there. If you're from the east coast of the US, you'll be familiar with this level of beachfront hotel room. Dated but updated. You can tell it's old but has had a decent facelift. Mirrors everywhere, which was hot, though our ceiling mirror looked as if it had been sitting in the bottom of the ocean for a month. Couldn't really see anything in about half of it. Every room has one on the ceiling. Bed was extremely firm (works for me!), as were the pillows. Bathroom was probably the nicest part of the room, though the "door" is a slider and doesn't block any noise, so if you're not a fan of hearing bathroom noises, come prepared. Curtains are tough to slide, and the window was nearly un-openable. AC struggled to keep up with the humidity but mostly worked well. Our ocean "view" was ok, but obscured by some pretty big trees. Not a lot of waves to hear crashing, plus it's too damn hot and humid to have the window open anyway. Ultimately, I'd say ocean view isn't worth it unless you get a balcony or hot tub room. We will probably upgrade to have the balcony for next time, though friends of ours we made on the trip did so and weren't so sure it was worth it. And unless you want the MTV Spring Break experience, I'd avoid booking a room too close to the nude pool, as the party keeps going there deep into the night. It was nice for us to find some quiet on the prude side when we needed it. Unfortunately, though, the rooms on that side are pretty close to the road, and one morning at least 5 tractor trailers went through at 5 AM hammering their air brakes. In terms of other noises, our room was kinda disconnected from the others, and on the second level, so we never heard anyone getting it on the rooms next to us. Which is almost disappointing lol. I'm guessing the folks below us heard us having fun, though. Sorry?

Getting naked: As noobs, this was our biggest hesitation. Would we like it? Would it freak us out? We're in good shape and sexy, in our opinions, but certainly not models. The first night, we ended up in the naked hot tub. The dark certainly provided a nice adjustment opportunity. There's definitely a FOMO feeling if you hang on the prude side for too long. And there's naked people on the prude side, too. There's honestly naked people everywhere, and of all shapes and sizes. The first morning, we went out to the prude beach in bathing suits and hopped into the wonderfully warm Gulf. My suit came off about 5 minutes later, and then we strolled to the nude side about 20 minutes later. Didn't really look back. The most liberating feeling of my life to date; felt so free and comfortable. I'm a grower not a shower, so I was worried about dudes with monster cocks making me feel inadequate. Was not at all the case. Everyone is so respectful, too. Obviously people are going to check each other out, but there's really no uncomfortable staring or anything like that.

Guests: the first day (Sunday for us), we were, TBH, a bit disappointed. Again, we think we're on the higher end of the attractiveness scale and are picky about with whom we play. Hard to say that without sounding conceited, so apologies. Anyway, the naked pool wasn't that packed most of the first day, so perhaps that's a transition day for most. Monday, though, the party truly kicked off, and the crowd quality substantially improved. Stayed that way most of the week. Phew. Guests are from all over the world, which we love. Many from Canada, and of course all over the US. And as is typical in the LS, everyone was super nice. About half of the couples we talked to were, like us, first timers. Some were on trip 2, some on trip 7, and some on trip 40, including a guy I dubbed "The Pope." Be ready for a lot of (again in our opinion) mismatched couples with super hot females and OK guys, and vice-versa, as well as large age-gap couples. Fairly typical of the LS, but seemed a bit more pronounced here. Of course, the variety will vary week to week, too.

Beach: great sand & water for the most part, but watch out for sea urchins. We managed not to get stung all week, others were not as lucky. Wear comfortable beach shoes as you will do a lot of walking back and forth. Plenty of nice beach chairs & towels everywhere, and random rafts lying around that everyone shares. There are occasional beach servers walking around for drink orders, but it's easier & faster to go get them yourself. There's dudes walking up and down the beach selling various things... like "smoke," along with molly, etc, and maybe T shirts. Call Shell Boy on the shell phone. There's others, but can't recommend them.

Pools: forgot to count how many there are, but there's gotta be at least 6. We went in most of them, and had some playtime (just us) in one of the grotto / waterfall pools with people watching. So hot! The naked pool & hot tub (giant heated pool) turns into a crazy party at around 3 and goes until... well I'm not really sure when that actually ends. They did sexy trivia & games every day at most of the bigger pools where you can win Hedo bucks that you can spend in the gift shop / buy wine / use to pay your incidentals bill at the end of the trip.

Nap time: We'd read in advance about things quieting down later in the afternoon before dinner / cabaret time. So, yeah, that didn't really happen as far as we could tell, but we were in the party pool most of the time. Didn't really see many people leave by the time we headed back to get ready each night. The last (and bonus) day, we were getting to the end of our energy bank, so we indeed went back around 4:30 and napped / rested. That enabled us to make it through an awesome night. We will definitely be doing more napping on our next trip. Obviously it's temping to try to party like a rockstar, and I AM a rockstar (ok not really, but I'm in 3 bands!), but 5 days straight is tough on anyone who isn't in their 20s.

Theme nights: we planned ahead to participate in each one, other than the bonus night we had and thus were not prepared for. When to be in costume was a little confusing at first, as we showed up in costume but it seemed very few others were in costume. This was because a big group in attendance had planned their own distinct theme nights that did not match the resort's posted themes. Not sure if other groups do this, but that was kinda weird. Created a bit of a segregated feeling amongst non-members, and some group members were even feeling odd about it (we talked to several). What's even more confusing is that the resort puts on amazing cabaret shows each night that are in-theme, but with the resort's theme. The group, though, was large enough, that the resort tried to accommodate both themes, which got awkward, too, at times. Would strongly recommend they not do that, but hey, we're the noobs, so whatever! Anyway, most folks show up in costume for dinner, stay in costume for the cabaret show, and then maybe change thereafter. Or vanish lol. People seemed to disappear many of the nights after the shows. Sometimes to the naked pool & hot tub, some to the playroom, and others, most likely, to their rooms. We typically went to the piano bar (I think 3x) after the cabaret, before then heading to the naked pool / hot tub and / or playroom. Played in the playroom 2x, both times in the larger room on the back double king beds.

Cabaret: most of these are do-not-miss experiences. They work hard to put on incredible shows each night after dinner. The S&M show was the hottest, and most amazing, show of that sort I've ever seen, and I've seen them around the world. I won't give away the details if you happen to be able to see it, but just... wow. My girl & I both got unexpected lap dances from the singers, so that certainly helps with our impression!

Clubs: of the club options, we spent the most time in the piano bar. As a musician (drummer, who occasionally likes to sing) the sing-along & karaoke nights were a blast. My voice is still recovering. Piano player is a freaking hilarious champion with skills on the ivories. A must. The nightclub was a bit of a womp womp, but we only went in once. Never went in the wine bar.

Swinging & playing: We're swingers, and expected more folks like us to be there. We went in without any set plans to play or even meet anyone in particular. Turns out, probably about half of the people we met were not swingers. And about half of that half were "cautiously curious" about it. We recruited two very hot couples into playing during our stay, which was fun, but also not our ideal experience, as swinger noobs can be extremely nervous. Worked out great, just a different experience. Rounded out the week with one of the hottest full swaps we've ever had, with a gorgeous Canadian couple. We are already planning to see them again, along with others we met on the trip. The non-swingers were totally cool people, albeit disappointing to not get to play with some of those hotties, cuz wow! In terms of play, we played both in and out of the pool and in and out of the playrooms. Poolside, on the last day, 5 dudes hopped up on the pool edge and we received simultaneous BJs from our ladies, and then some ladies rotated who was giving the BJ. One of the hottest experiences of my life! The day prior is also on that list, as a friend acquired a bottle of silicone lube, and both dudes and ladies took turns poolside getting lubed up where it counts. Insanely hot. The playrooms are well-stocked with fresh sheets and towels, and super clean. On that note, cleanliness throughout the whole place is actually remarkably amazing. Bathrooms etc are always kept clean. The main playroom doubles as the spa by day. The pools inside are all cold-plunge. Condoms were available, though I think maybe only if someone had left some behind? Didn't see any baskets around, but I also carry my own. The playroom by the naked pool is great but HOT, as in temperature hot.

Excursions: we only took one, a midday catamaran to snorkel & cave swim. So much fun, highly recommend. There's a bar on the boat (included) and they provide all of the snorkel equipment. At the caves, there's cliff divers who are A) super nice and friendly, but also B) VERY aggressive about wanting tips. TBF they earn them, so come prepared. A lot of people enjoyed their trip to Rick's Cafe, and one of the catamaran trips goes there. Friends also took a cab ($60, because he waits there for you). You can do your own cliff diving there. NOTE: we made friends with a couple who were on day passes, and they wanted to join us the next day for the catamaran trip. Apparently this is NOT ok, though the booker said nothing about this when I booked a group of 6. We worked it out and got them on the boat, but it was a bit of an ordeal despite the fact that they were planning on getting day passes again, not just trying to walk onto the boat. Odd.

Tipping: I posted previously about this, and in the end, it wasn't that big of a deal. There's a tip box at the front desk, but you can also tip workers on the sly. Just be discreet. They'll never ask for one.

Food: Bountiful and for the most part really good. The buffet changes themes each night and provides an enormous variety. Breakfast was similarly enormous. Highly recommend the breakfast burritos, though be prepared, they take a good 10 minutes each. The restaurants rotate menus every 3 days. Harrysan, the Japanese / Hibachi place, was pretty great, probably on par with Benihana. Flame, the steakhouse, was decent, though I would not recommend the flank steak. Salad dressings were absurdly watered down, too. Odd. Pastafarian was our favorite of the week, and everything we had there was really good. On the small side, but best to go in with a decent sized group as they have tables for up to 8 that are reserved for the larger groups. Each restaurant has a special wine list (extra $) but we mostly stuck to the bar / house wines.

Drinks: speaking of drinks, the bars are very well-stocked. I'm typically a bourbon drinker, and they had Makers, and occasionally Monkey Shoulder. They also had Beam & Jack. Also had lots of espresso martinis, both creamy & not. Bar service was consistently excellent everywhere on the property, pretty much always with a smile. One oversight is the absence of a self-service water station at any of the bars. There's water bottle filing stations everywhere, but not really near the pools & bars (other than a soda & water fountain by the nude hot tub). Would be easy enough to put out pitchers or even a bartop water cooler. Would save the bartenders a lot of work, and the rest of us waiting for the booze a lot of time.

BRING A COVERED DRINK VESSEL: This is an absolute must. The drinks, while unlimited, come in small plastic cups. The ice melts almost instantly in the heat. Bleh. This is also a safety issue, sadly, as a friend of ours on the trip got roophied, and I heard of another such occurrence from another friend who went before us. A problem everywhere for sure, but this is one place you don't want to lose a moment of fun. We forgot ours at home (derp) but bought two awesome souvenir cups in the gift shop that we will treasure forever.

Gift shop: Think of it as the perfect sexy vacation convenience store. They sell just about everything in there, from clothes to sex toys to cups to jewelry to vape pens to Gatorade to booze to hot sauce. They've also got basic toiletries should you forget anything. Not the best prices but not the worst.

Bonus tip: Bring liquid IVs & Airborne gummies. The vitamins in the Airborne will help you avoid getting sick from partying too hard / kissing 15 people in a day.

Go home! You won't regret it, and we're already planning our return.