Hi, stoner going on 5-6 years of smoking (20m) here. I have severe ADHD and am afraid that nothing will be better than drugs for the rest of my life and that I'll have to perpetually be on some sort of medication just to get through life.

I was ok with this up until recently upon watching the Dr. K Marijuana video as I recognize that it is actively making my life harder.

This along with the shame I feel from my parents and still living with them and having to face them every day I feel as though the only way forward is to quit smoking pot, problem is, it's all I care about as it's the one thing that consistently makes me feel ok in the world.

I feel as though life with out substances would only be worse because I simply don't believe that I can build a life worth living or that existing sober is even worth it generally. My perception of being sober involve my brain going so fast that I have to constantly expend energy just to know where I am and suffering from the myriad of difficulties that adhd brings.

I also have this idea in my head that because I have adhd that I will never be able to enjoy anything that's not an object of abuse, and I can't just throw it out of my life because I've wired my self too hard to just circumvent the rules to feel as good as possible as often as possible all the time 24/7. Since I could remember, everything was all about playing as much video games and watching as much content as physically possible every day. I cut religion out of my life pretty early on so even in like mid elementary my whole reason for being was to get home after school and consume as much content as possible, and that made me happy for a while as I was at the age where i could just ignore the fact that i was gonna be an adult one day. Now adays though, digital cintent doesnt excite me in the same way anymore and the weight of haveing to figure out a career to choose is heavy in a world where from my perspective every career that would fulfill me is unreachable and everything I can let my self believe is achieveable I can only see makeing me hang my self in my single person apartment at the age of 35.

On that note the only thing I really cared about in life before pot was music, for me music, and art in general is the most important thing there is as I see it as the act of creating meaning out of nothing which I feel is the most meaningful thing that can be done. However, my brain tells me that I won't have the energy or will after work to do music ao I have to make it my job if I wanna do music. This has resulted in me mostly cutting out the activity of music that used to take up 1-2h of my day most days after school in high-school.

Sorry for no real tie up at the end, this is really just the problems my mind has been working on atm and wanted to get the out of my head for a bit and see if other people see obvious things I don't from their perspective.