Hey y'all.

This post is going to come across as super privileged, and it's not something I talk about often. I feel like here is one of the few places that might hold space for me to do it.

So... I have some money. My grandfather passed away a few years back and left me some money, and my grandmother will (at somewhat random intervals) give me massive chunks into an investment account. I'm HUGELY appreciative of this and the advantages that it's given me in life.

The only problem is... I'm 26, and I feel like a massive child, because I've never been able to earn enough money in a month to pay rent. I work part time in a school, which is quite emotionally satisfying, and do some freelance video editing work, mostly for a youtuber, which I enjoy, but it's not enough for me to 'make ends meet'. That's done through the money from my grandparents, not my own work.

This screws with my motivation in so many ways. I feel like I 'should' be earning enough money to live, which means I 'should' be doing things to get a job etc etc, but I don't NEED to. Because I don't need to, I feel no motivation towards doing it. However, the more I think about how I 'should' be earning money and try to take actions to earn more, the less I feel motivated to do the things I usually want to be doing. Making films, learning Spanish, randomly picking up a hobby I'll drop in a week or two (thanks Vata brain). Honestly, I think these things would satisfy me if I didn't feel the 'should' towards earning.

This past year has been a 'year of money' for me (I try to have 'yearly themes'), and whilst I've made some small progress, a lot of the rest of my life has receded. I've barely made a single short film (Even with lockdowns in 2020 I made 4), and my desire to self-improve, socialise, write, or even do things I enjoy like watching TV and playing games, have plummeted. "Why are you doing that? that won't get you closer to your goal monthly income!" kind of thoughts are pretty common. But because money doesn't ACTUALLY motivate me, I just procrastinate. Usually social media and wikipedia rabbit holes.

Something really paralysing about it too is how it all feels like it could go away if I'm not careful and if I don't do better. If I just decided not to do any work for a year or so, there would be no money left, and there's no guarantees that I'll get another random payout from my grandmother to keep me afloat. People tell me to 'make the most of it' etc etc. 'you're lucky, see this as an opportunity', but I don't feel capable of, for example, taking a year to make films and do my own work and follow my intrinsic motivation, because I've got no PROOF that I'll be CAPABLE of taking care of myself and earning if/when the money runs out. Family expectations are an issue too but this post is long and dense enough already.

Advice appreciated, but honestly I think it was just good to vent.

Possibly relevant: I have an ADHD diagnosis in the works. Long waitlists in the UK. I also was referred to a specialist for an Aspergers (ASD) diagnosis when I was 10, but never made it to the appointment so never got diagnosis/support.