I want to see if an outside perspective can help me find my dharma, or something close enough; I think I have my blinders on. Warning, this is super complicated. I’ve always wanted to be a warrior, always seen myself as such. I grew up in violent circumstances, was unable to do anything about them and developed a Bruce Wayne level of obsession about being able to fight and win, to the point of shaping myself exclusively to be a better warrior. I joined the US Navy despite not qualifying for special operations due to my eyesight, the surgery to fix which could be paid for by the navy, and after serving two years in my first job I could apply to transfer. Then partway into “A” School (job specific training) I shut down (mind you I had four separate major tragedies happen in a couple months, so it’s not surprising, but those came after this). Had an identity crisis from not pursuing my goal. Now over time I learned to struggle forward despite this (I wasn’t raised to have the discipline to face things I didn’t feel like doing, my parents were and remain abysmal at it). For various reasons I decided that my obsession with fighting was unhealthy, and on top of this I was raised with a strength based worldview where my worth was predicated on power, whether that power come from manipulation, the ability to use force, or the brilliance to lead in a situation. Things I was talented at, but were the only things I was valued for by my parents. If you’ve seen Avatar:TLA I was like a hybrid of Azula’s favored “true prodigy” status with no social skills with Zuko’s compassionate temperament that always rebelled slightly at his conditioning. I had to put in years of work to unlearn a lot of judgmental toxicity and eventually I cultivated good friendships that helped shaped me into something better. But then I didn’t know if fighting was truly my calling; I don’t want to go to war for a cause I can’t choose, and the war I joined during and had the pleasure of indirectly assisting in ended. I truly believed in stomping out terrorists in Afghanistan altho I could be convinced otherwise. I thought about MMA but I worry about permanently injuring someone who doesn’t deserve it, and it doesn’t have the “protecting the innocent” factor. If I had to make my question less open ended it’s, “does this look like I made the wrong choice to pursue a career in combat arms where I put years of effort cultivating skills and knowledge of all levels of operation (as long as there was information on it); is there something I’m not seeing I could transfer this cultivated mindset to?” I’ll ultimately pick what feels best, but I’m hoping someone says something that sticks