I am a codependent 29M and my mom is also codependent.

I have been living independently outside the house for the past 5 years. And even starting when I was 19 I would go travel and periodically block my mom's contact or limit telephone interaction with her.

What I mean is to cut off psychologically. I don't know how to feel secure without "checking" with what I would consider my mom's judgement to be. I can't feel secure without the idea of her or another surrogate validating whatever I am thinking feeling or experiencing. And I have a hard time remembering past events as they actually were without them being overtaken by my mom and how she saw them.

I really struggle with doing any type of self recovery work because once again my mom takes the spotlight again. How do I change this?