So as I was sitting on the bus and I realized partially why I want someone to fill a void in my life. My dad died in my early teen years and all these later it is indirectly affecting. In my teen years I felt suicidal and it was exacerbated by my dad passing. My mom tried her best, but it was hard. The only thing outside faith was the boom Thus Spoke Zarathustra. I realized after this event, I applied an emotional turniquet. I became the hero I needed in that hour, but in addition to being an introvert, I went in my head even more with that event and I for a while found comfort in intellectual pursuits. If it were not for that I would have offed myself then and there.

As I have gotten older, I realized that emotions come out one way or another. I realized recently that in addition to the normal want for dating, I realized I want a mother like figure that does not just say "that's nice" and pats me on my head,but that appreciates my intellectual side my mom could not get and not judge me, but instead I see her judgemental character in other women. I then also realized I wish there was someone that could comfort me and I could feel safe with, sive growing up I felt like I had to bottle up my emotions. Everyone I have dated seemed more interested in what Would do for them and it felt like I always had to be the strong person for them and me, whereas with other guys they just need to be cute or whatever, even if they did not suffer from trauma. I am just realizing the interconnectedness of it. Oh and I feel like I cannot relate culturally to the opposite sex and have autism (thanks Universe/God/whatever, real Book of Job moment).

Sorry if I am rambling, but I have been crying a bit as I feel like outside my mentor (a wonderful guy) and childhood friends, I was kinda left to bleed out and I realized I am more of a broken person than I thought and feel fucked up beyond recover. Again sorry.