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A big Thank You to those who gave advice on my last post, itās been helpful.
My apologies if the following sounds bad, itās not, but apologies anyway.
So, Iām still working through things. I was going to post this before but then I thought Iād watch the CPTSD stream first. It was an insightful stream, had a lot of information that was useful. Iām planning to get the guide when I can. Probably rewatch the stream too/
However, some of my trauma is āraceā based. And I was wondering if people had some thoughts on it?
About me: Iām mixed race. Part European and part South Asian/Southeast Asian. So half white. I want to stress this because no one else seems to care.
- Iāve had death threats due to my skin from 5 years old.
- Constantly judged for my skin, always picked last in school or treated unfairly.
- Had someone in primary school try to āpurifyā me, like chasing me around with a something? And saying prayers/mantras.
- 4yo, I was left in the rain because my parents were late to pick me up from daycare. (I donāt blame folks as apparently the daycare was investigated later on)
- People on dating sites ignore me, so itās not an option for me, with some saying they donāt date Indian looking men (why match then, who knows)
- I was born in Australia. Raised Australian. My folks believed if you move somewhere, you join in the culture, so besides food and my relatives, I guess, Iām Aussie. In that itās my culture. Itās who I am, generally speaking, culturally white for lack of a better term.
- Even if I explain my background, people only focus on my non European half
- The only saving grace I have is that if people hear me speak, they seem to calm down, almost like they donāt hear an accent so it calms them
The racial trauma is obvious, I guess. People only see the skin color and assume things. I think it maybe why I feel some people avoid me. This has led to some misplaced anger towards Indian people, which I have resolved more or less. I love my mum. Dev Patel is great. Dr K is great. Curry and roti paratha is divine, seriously try roti paratha, like a love child of a pie crust and tortilla.
The cognitive dissonance comes from the fact that people keep telling me to stay in my lane. I see myself as more white. I grew up in Australia, I only know English, surrounded primarily by Caucasian people. Iām mixed race but culturally white Australian. Iām generally attracted to Caucasian women, again because itās what I was around ground up, and itās not like Iām attracted to any Caucasian gal. And I find women like Risa Naka or Park ShinHye attractive. Rashida Jones.
Itās not a fetish or that Iām hyping up white people. Iām attracted to what I find similar to me. Whatās annoying is people setting me up with people simply because they are Indian. Or my sibling who says Iām being racist, even though their partner is whiteā¦. creating further cognitive dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Apparently I canāt be with who I want, but others can.
I hope people can try to understand things. Iām trying to figure out a way to explain it better, but the only example Iāve got is an LGBT example. I think itās why I understand them. That is, a trans person is born a certain way but doesnāt feel or identify that way, and bigots tell them to stay in their lane. Or a lesbian who keeps being told to date men when they arenāt attracted to them. Iām not LGBT but itās the best example I can think of, Iām sorry to anyone who is and thinks Iām out of line for comparing.
I donāt know what Iām expecting. I guess itās partly venting. Iām lonely and stressed and tired. And all I want is someone who is attracted to be attracted to me too. Just one.
I mean thereās probably no real answer for this, other than what my psychologist said ājust be the best me I can be, be the best color person that others will meetā. So I guess itās probably sort of pointless posting this. But I like to get answers from everywhere so I figured Iāll give it a final shot then, ignore the ignorant and do good.
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