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Help with racial trauma and cognitive dissonance?
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A big Thank You to those who gave advice on my last post, itā€™s been helpful.

My apologies if the following sounds bad, itā€™s not, but apologies anyway.

So, Iā€™m still working through things. I was going to post this before but then I thought Iā€™d watch the CPTSD stream first. It was an insightful stream, had a lot of information that was useful. Iā€™m planning to get the guide when I can. Probably rewatch the stream too/

However, some of my trauma is ā€œraceā€ based. And I was wondering if people had some thoughts on it?

About me: Iā€™m mixed race. Part European and part South Asian/Southeast Asian. So half white. I want to stress this because no one else seems to care.

  • Iā€™ve had death threats due to my skin from 5 years old.
  • Constantly judged for my skin, always picked last in school or treated unfairly.
  • Had someone in primary school try to ā€œpurifyā€ me, like chasing me around with a something? And saying prayers/mantras.
  • 4yo, I was left in the rain because my parents were late to pick me up from daycare. (I donā€™t blame folks as apparently the daycare was investigated later on)
  • People on dating sites ignore me, so itā€™s not an option for me, with some saying they donā€™t date Indian looking men (why match then, who knows)
  • I was born in Australia. Raised Australian. My folks believed if you move somewhere, you join in the culture, so besides food and my relatives, I guess, Iā€™m Aussie. In that itā€™s my culture. Itā€™s who I am, generally speaking, culturally white for lack of a better term.
  • Even if I explain my background, people only focus on my non European half
  • The only saving grace I have is that if people hear me speak, they seem to calm down, almost like they donā€™t hear an accent so it calms them

The racial trauma is obvious, I guess. People only see the skin color and assume things. I think it maybe why I feel some people avoid me. This has led to some misplaced anger towards Indian people, which I have resolved more or less. I love my mum. Dev Patel is great. Dr K is great. Curry and roti paratha is divine, seriously try roti paratha, like a love child of a pie crust and tortilla.

The cognitive dissonance comes from the fact that people keep telling me to stay in my lane. I see myself as more white. I grew up in Australia, I only know English, surrounded primarily by Caucasian people. Iā€™m mixed race but culturally white Australian. Iā€™m generally attracted to Caucasian women, again because itā€™s what I was around ground up, and itā€™s not like Iā€™m attracted to any Caucasian gal. And I find women like Risa Naka or Park ShinHye attractive. Rashida Jones.

Itā€™s not a fetish or that Iā€™m hyping up white people. Iā€™m attracted to what I find similar to me. Whatā€™s annoying is people setting me up with people simply because they are Indian. Or my sibling who says Iā€™m being racist, even though their partner is whiteā€¦. creating further cognitive dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Apparently I canā€™t be with who I want, but others can.

I hope people can try to understand things. Iā€™m trying to figure out a way to explain it better, but the only example Iā€™ve got is an LGBT example. I think itā€™s why I understand them. That is, a trans person is born a certain way but doesnā€™t feel or identify that way, and bigots tell them to stay in their lane. Or a lesbian who keeps being told to date men when they arenā€™t attracted to them. Iā€™m not LGBT but itā€™s the best example I can think of, Iā€™m sorry to anyone who is and thinks Iā€™m out of line for comparing.

I donā€™t know what Iā€™m expecting. I guess itā€™s partly venting. Iā€™m lonely and stressed and tired. And all I want is someone who is attracted to be attracted to me too. Just one.

I mean thereā€™s probably no real answer for this, other than what my psychologist said ā€œjust be the best me I can be, be the best color person that others will meetā€. So I guess itā€™s probably sort of pointless posting this. But I like to get answers from everywhere so I figured Iā€™ll give it a final shot then, ignore the ignorant and do good.

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8 months ago