I’m struggling, horribly. I don’t see the point in anything. Honestly, never thought I’d be this old, I’ve wanted to die since I was 14, and every 3-4 years planed to off-myself with a literal deadline of 30, im 32 now and i feel lost. I’ve got dreams, and ambitions and positive plans but I don’t believe I can do anything, nor do I see the point, no one cares now so why would they care if I’m a success.

I have no real friends online or off, I think I’m almost scared of people. Basically I’ve got a deficient of positive experiences with people. I had death threats when I was 5. My daycare left me out in the rain when I was 4 because my parents were late. My hands are smaller for a guy, Trump esc, and I was told in highschool that no woman would want me for them. That and people always talk about how “I love a guys big strong hands”. I had people chase me chanting mantras to “purify”. I’m mixed so there’s the simultaneous racism but also no one seemingly wants to believe I’m of their group, as in if I meet someone if either background they ask what race I am and don’t believe when I say I’m half.

No partner, I think the internet made me worse with that. I used to be completely fine with my height but now I’m a bit worried. And I seem to self sabotage, women look at me and I do nothing or think they aren’t. And I’m worried to do anything since my past relationships end up with them cheating or paying more attention to other guys. Have friends fine but don’t start cuddling up to another guy infront of me.

I also self sabotage in life since I don’t think I’m worth it and it’s hard to motivate myself to do things for myself. And it’s disheartening to see kids online make so much money from screaming into their webcam or using AI to “create things” while I’m struggling to finish anything.

Part of me thinks I need to almost stop going on the internet. Revert my habits to pre-Facebook boom, if that makes sense, stay offline unless I’m trying to be social or I’m looking for basic information. Or if I’m playing games. Cut down on YouTube, Reddit. Idk.

It sucks because I don’t have any real vices. I have some internet addiction and I guess a perfectionist/fear of failure streak, and I could exercise more, but for example, I barely drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I don’t gamble, only debt is my student loans, I don’t want a Tesla or pricy things, etc. Which often times it’s seems these are most people’s faults.

Idk what I’m expecting from this. Maybe just to vent. Idk. I feel old, I know I’m not, but I feel too old to still be dealing with this shit.

If you’re wondering what I want in life: a partner who’d stick by me, a couple friends, the time to write my books and travel a bit. But it all feels so far away.

Idk, thoughts