I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting here exactly. Maybe just some understanding. I'm going to be talking about my relationship, breakup, my feelings and my situation now.

I am a 26 year old guy and have recently got out of a 2 year relationship. Trying not to do myself here, but I met this girl soon after we both moved to town and were both living in staff housing. There's a 6 year age difference which I was a little bothered by at first (she was not bothered).

We hangout, flirted, started sleeping together etc... and we moved in together quite early on. This is because the staff housing has more than one person per room and my roommate was kind of a nightmare and we talked it out.

We had some great times and some very fun adventures that I hold dearly. But the work was brutal. Long hours, not being paid enough, etc... so I moved across the country with her back to her family. I tried my best to do some upgrading but started at too high of a course and set myself back a bit. I had a few jobs some of them were really rough and I started feeling really sad.

So I was living with my girlfriend and her family and I was becoming more and more depressed (I have recently watched the video on alexithymia.) I did not realize I was falling into a depression. My girlfriend was going to school and working and hanging out with friends. I didn't want to feel like the overbearing boyfriend or feeling like her friends didn't want me there, so there were time when she would invite me to hangout with her and her girl-friends I would tell her I didn't want to intrude.

So her and I both being some level of alexithymic and ADHD, we had communication issues. I was falling further into depression and not really being able to do anything but struggling to do my upgrading, working less, and watching YouTube. We weren't able to spend as much time together and we started drifting apart. I think we were both in denial and I wasn't aware of my own depression.

One night (sort of knowing things were off) I asked how things were going and she ended up telling me that things were going well. It shocked me at first and obviously hurt, but when I really thought about what she said I realized that I wasn't well either.

So it ended up being a somewhat mutual split and I would still like to be good friends with her at some point. I'm still on good terms with her family. It's been a month and we've talked a few times since which has helped with understanding. We've both kinda decided that it's best to not holdout or wait for the other, that has been a really tough decision for me emotionally, logically I completely agree. As her mum said you never know where life takes you.

But I realize we are both on separate paths with different goals.

So I drove back across the country and have moved back in with my parents. I found Dr. K's youtube videos and have done some soul searching.

The split still hurts, a lot less than it used to but its still sneaks up on me sometimes.

I noticed that it feels like there is a weight off my shoulders. All of a sudden I was able to finish a whole course in a couple weeks, I'm going out for more walks, I feel like I want to go out and talk to people.

So I guess this comes to the part where I've sort of dissected some of what I was feeling and why.

I've noticed I feel shame having to come back and live with my parents.

I've noticed I felt less valuable because I wasn't with someone or sleeping with someone now. I put too much of my self worth in sex and how good I am.

Along that previous statement, I have also been in an internal (and extrenal) battle of a couple of my friends(bad influences) telling me to just find a hookup. Which is something I know would not be good for me, and I also want to work on self love. But there is a part of me, maybe my insecurities, trying to push me in that direction. I think this has roots in how men are valued, a porn addiction (that I'm in the process of breaking), and a girlfriend that tried to sleep with one of my girl-friends.

I've noticed that my insecurities make me feel like I don't necessarily want her to move on completely. The idea of her finding another guy makes me uneasy (maybe shame? Gross? Not really sure). When I think clearly I know I want her to be happy however that looks. But there is an irrational part of me that wants to know that I was the best at something in her life and my insecurities bring that back to sex quite often.

I know that this was for the best. I have been more academically successful in a month than I was in almost a year. I know things will get easier/better.

I have been accepted to college and have a clear path to university. I have already had a good career where I have learned a lot. I know the path I am on can lead to a good job, time off, benefits, good pay and work/life balance.

On the what i think of as the "surface level" of my mind, I know healing from a split will take time. I know that I have to love myself properly before I'm ready for a relationship. I don't want to go out and find meaningless hookups. I want to get better. But there's something deep down that's trying to fightback against that. And that's what I'm really trying to figure out now, where is it coming from, why is it there, how can I find peace with it.

Now I know this was a super long post and I'm not really expecting anyone to read through the whole thing. I also realize that a lot of it was based on my battle with the sexualized part of my brain. That's just the issue I'm feeling is the most prominent right now. I've also found I do a lot of ADHD day dreaming, I want to find out who I am more and love myself properly. And those I am definitely working towards. And it all takes time. I'm hoping to see a therapist when I'm in college and the insurance helps out. At the moment though I've been practicing on my own with the insight from the youtube channel.

Thanks to anyone who read any of this. 🙂