Hello,

To give some context: Me and my ex-girlfriend met while we both were studying abroad for the 2023 spring semester in South Korea. We started as friends and shared lots of similar interests/matching personalities. When I realized she was “different” to me, I decided to ask her out (mid april) after 1 month of getting to know her and feeling out if we had mutual chemistry. To add more context (right after I asked), she shared with me that she was a victim of multiple instances of sexual assault from past relationships (and that she still had damage from those experiences), and it was kinda set the tone (for me at least) that a relationship with her meant I needed to be challenging myself extremely hard and to better figure out my own flaws/myself generally so that I can be better equipped to treat her respectfully (because it was my first relationship). Almost immediately, we started getting really deeply intimate. Less than a week of asking her out, we started sleeping together, growing to almost twice a week until we left back home. She initiated first because she was horny, but both of us started initiating afterwards and was definitely a “pillar” of our relationship; we felt comfortable and loved by being physically close with each other.

Our relationship had ups and downs. We both hurt each other, but I feel proud to say that we at least had respectful “arguments” and both felt like we genuinely wanted what’s best for each other. And we were able to make almost a year’s worth of special memories within a couple of months. The looming time of going back home made both us feel like we wanted to accelerate the relationship, and I think it helped us at least in the beginning to find compromises and really open ourselves up to being vulnerable to each other. We had that stuff, and then I was happy to meet her family in Korea when school ended. She would’ve met mine too if her mother didn’t get covid right before I was supposed to introduce her.

Fast forward, we started long distance in the summer. We both were struggling hard, but I think I was struggling worse. And I think after reflecting now, I realized that I was very overly-anxious about where we would be, the inevitable problems that will come with our specific circumstances (long distance), and her very very cautious attitude to deeply integrate me into her life. I was very willing (maybe too much) to mold my life around her needs and find ways for me to be physically closer to her in the United States. I had my own desires, but I felt that she was my top priority in life and thought it was possible to have at least some of both. I feel after reflecting now (Sept) that my feelings of anxiety were a sign of my preoccupied anxious attachment. We had planned to spend Thanksgiving together this year with, and I booked tickets to see her.

One day during August, she dropped a bombshell on me that she wanted to take a break. I had thought the relationship has been okay. We were both having issues, but we both (at least I thought) wanted to keep going through the struggle until we were at least in the same timezone. She explained that she felt like she had been stressed about some kind of burdens she placed on herself for keeping the relationship and wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue the relationship/wanted more time to figure out what she wanted. She was also upset that I brought up the question a handful of times of whether she even wanted/considered me in her future or if we should continue being together if we think we’re going to hurt each other. Her answer was always that she wasn’t sure purely logistically (due to personal circumstances) and due to her own feelings. So then, we went on break. I did genuinely want to support her and her happiness, but I also did feel upset to feel so powerless in supporting her and having even less impact/communication of both of our lives. I grew more anxious everyday and more confused about who I was to her.

(Early September)After barely a month, I blew up. I couldn’t take waiting longer, at least to not discuss extending the break with her. The stress I had internally was drastically impacting my life negatively (not sleeping, not eating, insanely anxious). I tried asking her respectfully to arrange a time to discuss this issue, and she firmly said that she did not feel even close to ready to discuss. I tried leaving it at that, but my stress and anxiety got even worse 1 day later after getting such strong rejection for the first time from her. She gave no comforting or compromise. I practically was begging for just some kind of communication from her (that’s not texting because we kept misunderstanding each other) and a chance to voice my struggles/issues with this relationship because I had such conflicting feelings about everything, and I wanted to stop my insanely unhealthy lifestyle that was being motivated by the stress I had/made from being together). I also felt like something about the situation was wronging me and that I was being led on to keep hurting for a girl that doesnt want me. I then half jumped to a conclusion in a tense moment, and she decided on the spot to break up with me.

Now in late September Early October, I’m struggling so hard to keep her out of my life and mind. She stopped responding to me but kept all of my socials/gaming friend list. I unfriended her and decided to really separate harshly from her because I’m hurting so much just remembering her and the love I had for her and wanted to move on. Even just seeing other couples now almost disgusts me and makes me feel upset. And I think one of my biggest concerns is that I may get into another relationship with my unknowingly unresolved issues and hurt someone I care about so deeply again.

Edit: Early October. I haven’t been thinking about her as much, but I feel still strongly about her. I don’t think I’ll ever “love” her again, but I still wanna be friends and support her despite everything. I think what urks me the most and why I seeked my college’s counseling is the lost of control I had over my emotions. I feel pretty self-aware but generally find it hard to accurately articulate what makes me upset. I don’t wanna hurt someone like that again ever, and I wanna know how I can better protect my well-being/feelings whilst respecting any potential partners feelings. I gave into a temptation to message her on Valorant if she wanted a game and got nothing. I suddenly got all that insane amount of anxiety back and realized that going no contact but technically having connection was bad for my mental health. Knowing she could see me around or things I posted while ignoring me caused me huge amounts of anxiety and resentment for staying around despite leaving me.

Edit: Late October. I’m been becoming very resentful and have feelings of hatred towards her. I understand that she is the person who she is and isn’t evil, but I’m fully realizing the hurt I was knowingly being put me through just because she wanted to get space away from me. Especially because she “stayed” in touch with me with no contact, I feel like she’s really flying under my radar how manipulative my feelings felt like. And I’m realizing I don’t think I’ll ever take her as a friend ever without some change or acknowledgement of the pain she caused me on her part. But now, after more acceptance that she’s gone, everyday is extremely difficult to just live and HAS NOT gotten much easier (despite what my friends say about time healing) I’m realizing that there’s just a lot I’m unhappy with myself (like being very preoccupied attachment, partially contributed to our breakup when she was avoidant) and am working on the guilt I felt about the relationship and things I want to change.

I’m currently in therapy with my college, but I feel like it’s not enough. Especially with active action, because I can recognize and analyze a lot of these emotions but not know how or if I should be changing something about myself. And I still want to be friends with her, at least be in contact with her, after some time, but not sure if it’s even a healthy decision considering at all.

What are your guys’ thoughts? Any video recommendations Dr. K put out as a good reference to look back to?