EDIT: HSV-2 Diagnosis received

28 year old male, single, no kids. I have not officially received a diagnosis, but I know it’s coming this week. I was tested Thursday; I’m awaiting results. The nurse told me it’s obvious, and there’s nothing else it could be. 2 itchy sores around my penis, swollen lymph nodes on the same side. No discomfort when peeing, no discharge, no flu-like symptoms. The only other STI it could be is Syphilis, which would not cause the itchiness, so it’s obvious it isn’t that. I’m in utter disbelief, I’m shook. I can’t get it off my mind. I feel like my life is over, I see no future from here. I’m disgusted with myself, it’s all my fault. I’ve had many casual partners in the past 5 years; it’s shocking that it hasn’t happened sooner.

I’m disgusted with my irresponsibility. I was a virgin until college, then I dated a girl for 4 years. Our sex life was out of this world. Then, I broke up with her thinking that the grass was greener. I made a mistake and never got her back. Despite her being emotionally abusive, I’ve craved her ever since. Since the break up, I’ve gone on a sexual rampage, constantly searching for her replacement. I never found it, but I kept seeking the sex that I had with her. Because of how she treated me near the end of the relationship, I ended up having severe commitment issues, hence the many partners. The amount of partners I’ve had in the past 5 years is disgusting. It doesn’t even feel like me.

But, this year I’ve done so much better, I’ve been making better decisions. I’ve only had 2 partners this year, and I was starting to feel better about myself because I was improving. I’m not a bad person, I’ve just made bad decisions. And now, just as I was starting to slowly improve myself - this.

I’ve also just come off of the hardest 3 years of my life after getting major spine surgery. I felt like I was just starting to turn the corner with that recovery. And now this. I just cannot believe this is happening to me. I don’t know what else to say or do. I just want to disappear and hide from my family and friends. I’ll never have sex again because I don’t have the courage to disclose this.