Does you HL change with diff people? Can you still be HL AND get turned off?

So I’ve always identified as HL. For example, in my best sexual relationship we were having sex every other night, at least 5 times a night. (One night we did it 12 times!)

With my current boyfriend, we don’t have a lot of sex. Maybe 1-2 a week. There’s a lot of factors contributing to this (we both don’t have our own places, we don’t have time, we fight often and that’ll take a few days off.)

A big factor reducing the amount of times that we are able to do it to me is that he is not so good at initiating. The way he initiates is so off putting that even if I’m horny, I’m mentally turned off and say no.

For example, the other night we’re watching tv, sitting on opposite ends of the couch not even touching each other and out of no where he says “Well… we’re already here so” and I was so confused what he was even talking in reference to because just before that we were talking about the show so I was like “What???”…. OH. That’s really how you want to initiate sex with me?” And he said “yeah” and I was like “No what the heck” like it’s so awkward and out of no where it’s almost like are you joking?

I’ve personally have had a lot of sexual experience and I haven’t ran into a guy who initiates this way before. It’s like we’re 30 years married but we’re 23 and 25 and have been dating for four months.

So I’ve explained to him that I would prefer more of a sensual build up of touching, kissing, etc. and he says that he wants to be able to have “casual spontaneous sex” and I’m like I know I’m capable of casual spontaneous sex but saying things like “we’re already here so” turns me off mentally so much that even though I feel physically HL, I don’t really want to do it mentally in response to that.

So now he’s kind of been dismissing me saying that I’m not really HL and I’m not capable of casuals spontaneous sex and I’m like - boy if you knew lol. I just keep telling him like trust me I know I am, I know I’m physically horny, it’s just the way he presents sex is a bit of a turn off.

He says that if I was really HL I would just do it no matter the way it is presented and that he frankly doesn’t believe me.

I feel like you can be HL and still can be turned off and have standards…?

Idk what else to do at this point. I know there will be varying levels of sexual compatibility and I’m willing to work with that, I’ve communicated my preference and it seems like he’d rather defend and stick to his method and blame it on me having low libido, which isn’t true.

(Cross posted)

EDIT: These comments are GOLD! Thank y’all so much. This is so reaffirming to me. I haven’t talked to my friends about this because they’re not as HL as me so I think the wouldn’t understand but to be heard and understood is a breath of fresh air!!

He definitely is using being HL against me and he’s kind of done it the past too, he’s immature at times and I think he’s associating HL with an automatic sex on demand, lol. The problem is that I can’t really work with someone not believing me, I can and have communicated and given suggestions and examples and if he’s not willing to listen then that’s all I can do. :/

I do feel bad because I know it sucks to be continuously rejected and I’ve tried to explain why Im saying no but he just takes it as I’m not attracted to him or HL.

He’s a very attractive guy, and he keeps saying “this has worked for me in this past” and I wonder if it’s just because girls overlooked the clumsy initiations in the past, because most of the time we have sex it’s because I’ve decided to over look how he initiated just to do it but I’d really prefer to enjoy the whole process. We’re getting pretty stuck here, I mean I’d like to work it out if we can but I’m not opposed to breaking up if that what it comes to. I’ll update you all! 🫶