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I was reading a post here and one of the things OP mentioned was her husband giving more granny pecks than normal(the post was about hysterical bonding).And I don't know why, but that struck me. That's what our "kisses" have become over time. And only when one of us is leaving the house or before bed. It makes me feel so.... icky? Or something, idk what. But it's not good, I know that.
I'm trying to bring something back, but I'm going to have to have "the talk" with him, and I KNOW it's not going to go well. He's going to be mad, he's going to say hurtful things. I won't be able to say much past the first couple of sentences because he thinks he can make me forget my point by talking over me for however long. Then he'll give me the ol' "I'm don't talking", and I'll receive the silent treatment. He might go on a drive by himself for a bit. Or just shut himself off somewhere else. It will be awkward for a little while, and then when we do talk it will veer into something unrelated and I'll be too emotionally exhausted to bring it up again.
But part of me still hopes it doesn't go that way. That he's genuinely sorry for making me feel that way, and things will start to get better. That's the hopeless romantic in me. Why can't I just turn it off? I'm already wondering what it would be like physically with someone else, and I'm not happy about that. I feel so guilty for even thinking about it. But I know its not because I'm a bad person, just physically neglected. I know those thoughts wouldn't be there if we had a healthy sex life. I also know I'm not in a place that I could or would act on that, I do love him and I truly want this to work.
So I'm going to keep trying for as long as I can without completely losing myself.
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- 9 months ago
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