I am 33F and was in relationship for 2.5 years with 32M, went thru narcissistic abuse. At the beginning of our relationship we had amazing sex, every day maybe even multiple times a day. Got into BDSM stuff, was super excited to be with someone on a similar wavelength.

8 months in he suggested we consider try "seducing" another woman for a threesome. I was technically open to the idea - I had a MFF threesome with two friends once. I hesitated though because I felt our relationship was still growing, I felt like intimacy wasn't as strong as I wanted to take something there. I also have abandonment issues, and lacking that support I felt very triggered in thinking he would leave me. Now at this point he still had a mask, a veil cloaking his deeper narcissism. He heard me out and sort of took a step back from asking about it. Eventually he brought it up again though - I felt conflicted, it is something I want to do, but I still couldn't communicate what it was that could make me feel more comfortable. I felt like he wasn't fully present in being intimate with me - he didn't communicate much during sex, he didn't ask me specifics of what I liked/what turned me on. When he brought it up again I told him I'd be open to doing it together if I could have a bumble to meet women. Instead he demanded he have his own tinder with no mention of me. I explained how manipulative that seemed. We fought about it. Eventually compromising he could have tinder with mention of me, and I have bumble.

I won't get into the details about everything that transpired because retelling the story is too exhausting. Basically, we had two threesomes with one of my friends. I was open to exploring more but she wanted a monog relationship on her own. My ex tried to bring in a "friend" of his - supposedly she was unaware that was his intention (I say supposedly because his dms to her crossed boundaries I had set), anyway she felt wronged and cut ties. Anytime he found a prospective woman on tinder I felt a bit thrown off because he wouldn't keep me in the loop about these communications until it "mattered." often times there would be clearly a skewed power dynamic, like someone too young, or an immigrant single mother. I wouldn't show excitement and it'd send him into a rage. I tried to express how unappealing that was for me and continuously requested up front communication, keep me in the loop. He seemed to care very little about my attempts on bumble.

Meanwhileeee, our sex started to go south. He made it very clear how much it turns him on to "seduce" women. I tried to be like - okay I'm still here please seduce me. I would get dressed up in adorable lingerie and he'd say "you seem desperate" and basically brush me off. It's fine to decline sex but the way he would tell me hurt, and I would express that gently and he would say " It would turn me on if you didn't care." Then there was a time he blatantly said to me "the thought of you makes my dick shrivel" or maybe when we did have sex and I gave him a BJ he acted annoyed like I didn't know what I was doing. I would say "well tell me what to do" playfully, one time he proceeded to aggressively push my head on his dick "I want you to not care , stop trying to be so safe"

We had fights about chores/responsibilities. He insisted the fighting killed his libido - meanwhile I 'm certain he was masturbating. I was like well that's a libido, you just don't want to have sex with me.

AND all the while he is still on tinder talking to whoever.

I told him it really hurts to know he would be interested in pursuing sexual relationship with someone else while not caring about my desires.

He demanded it was my responsibility I turn him on - that could come from communication and if I took "ownership" for my problems/my fault. Being brutally honest he found sexy.

I feel like I am honest, I'm not self deprecating though and I just couldn't really grasp what he meant because it also seemed like a power play which I guess I would have been fine with if it *worked* and if he gave me equal that equally (trying to turn me on).

He also enjoyed using coke - this was a big thing that I caved on. Anyway it wasn't constant, every once in a blue moon. I still didn't really want it in our life. But one weekend he got some and we ended up having a very sexy evening --- except for the coke d*ck. it was so classically bad. The next day I was pretty upset and told him I wanted that type of energy all the time, but the only time he's like that is on drugs and it's frustrating. He told me I was "shaming" him.

We basically stopped having sex and other aspects of emotional abuse were snowballing. Incessantly threatening to leave. I told him he had to get off of tinder because I wanted us to focus on our relationship and I felt it was coming in the way/distracting - he told me "your wrong but fine."

Nothing really got better and friends/family concerned for my wellbeing helped me to financially kick him out. Initially it was a "let's take space and see how we can work on things" but that was insincere, he got right back on tinder. We had sex actually a couple times after he moved out, but also got into a terrible fight where he again demanded I don't know how to turn him on (with the ownership thing).

Anyway, I'm still HL and want to sleep around, I don't feel as sexy as I used too. He would comment on my appearance - I should wear more eye makeup, or how my nails/hands didn't look good, or how I have tiny boobs and should wear things that could emphasize my cleavage better. On top of that all I was in bit of depression during the relationship which only got intensified of course. So no I'm pulling myself out of it. going to the gym, trying to eat more (I lost like 10 lbs, I'm skinny), and put more energy into selfcare-y stuff.

I also think I internalized some of the shame from his comments about me wanting sex or how I was in bed.

I have very conflicting feelings, where I wish we had been able to have those explorations work out, I really enjoyed those threesomes, and we talked about swinging. So in a way I feel like I screwed up in communication and my part of the relationship...things actually could have gone better. I hated feeling like I was an accessory/trophy to him as a pass to sleep with other women and have the comfort of "having" me while I was actually unhappy. It was so hard to see him express sympathy or concern for other women and not extend that to me.

Other aspects of our relationship were there, we kissed and cuddled a lot, otherwise affectionate.

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Any suggestions on how to reconcile all these feelings? I wish I could feel as sexually liberated as I imagine myself to be but I feel confused.

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TL;DR dealing with post narc abuse impact on my sexuality, he rejected me constantly and withheld while simultaneously pursuing women on tinder for a third. i want to be more comfortable with my sexuality again, holding on to shame