Shit man, I went and read some of your posts. Firstly I'm deeply sad for where you are now and have been for ages.

I can relate to so much. Getting hopes up. Thinking a situation or train of events is ideal. This must be the night. Only to get let down. Feeling shame, frustration and everything else.

But I'm only 36 and wife is 31. Much of her LL is SSRI induced. Luckily intimacy happens around 3/4 times per month. She works with me, mostly, but I must drive this or she'll gladly go months without initiating.

Here is what you need to do immediately.

1. Get in therapy (even once per month).
2. Get your test levels checked.
3. Start to work out at least 3 days per week. Start small.
4. Eat a bit better each week.
5. Dress better (you need to feel good)
6. Get a good haircut
7. Find a damn hobby. Preferably one where you spend time with other men.
8. Buy yourself sex toys and pleasure yourself. Say "hey I bought a bunch of new sex toys, after dinner im going to go have some fun in the bedroom...join if you want, dont, you do you".

Here is what you need to stop doing:

1. Think about the past. It's gone. Just focus on right now.
2. Never ever ever say sorry again for wanting to fuck your wife. You are a man with blood coursing through your veins.
3. Dont show any emotion if you are rejected. Just be like "thats cool...next time"

Just focus on yourself for the next 6 months. Find out who you are and what you want.

Then give her some options. 1. We make some serious commitments to work on this. This includes seeing a therapist and sex therapist. 2. We consider opening up the marriage so that I can get my needs met. 3. We divorce and find partners we are more sexually compatible with.

I am rooting for you my man.

That's great that you are working on 3, 4, 5, 6 and 8.

Doing them consistently requires discipline and you will initially not have great discipline. This is evident in how you lived. You had/have very little respect for yourself.

Keep working on it. It will become easier as you start to associate it with your personality because your brain sees those actions enough to create a habit from it.

I get the therapy thing being a hit and miss and it being at the bottom of your priority list due to budget. Lean heavily into podcasts and stuff for now to help you think differently.

You have 30-40 years left. Accept what was and look ahead.

Do you know how many 85yr Olds will take a re-do at life even if it meant they can only restart at 50? Most would probably do it. Imagine 85yr old you visited you now...what would older you say to you?

It's great that you have figured out some of the nuances of why you did what you did but seriously you need to forget the past now. Spend energy now on what you want to be.

Post away. That's the beauty of the internet. People like you and me can vent about the lows we have without talking to close family or friends about these issues. Talking in any capacity is good.

What is your biggest fear for sitting down with your wife and talking about how you can both coexist and get your needs met even if that means you get your own needs met.

Is it being abandoned? Being alone forever? Figure out what it is.

I struggle with all this shit.

But hoping that at 36 I'm starting to live and show up more authentically in my marriage. For her, for my kids but most importantly for myself. Still a ton of growth needed though.

I've accepted that my wife will be low libido for life. Severe ADHD and Autism Lvl1 together with drugs mean sex is just not as big a need for her.

I do almost anything and everything to help her libido.

I'm starting to get comfortable that either: 1. We will open up our marriage 2. We will divorce 3. We find a way to make sex work for both of us.

Fuck knows. But I love the shit out of her and our family. So I'm positive for now.

Love yourself stranger. We are all just atoms bouncing around the universe.

Great recommendation for No more Mr nice guy. It definitely was part of my turning point and helped me see how my whole identity was/is wrapped in serving other people.

Now I try to consciously make decisions around what is best for my mental health and growth as a human.