Hey there, 35 HLM and 35 LLF. So for the past few years I’ve been on this subreddit and definitely had a lot of disappointments happen, as I’m sure all of you can relate to on here. We’ve been married for years now and for the better part of it she’s struggled with vaginismus, religious trauma (purity culture, which I know now are related) and shame from feeling like she is the problem. I’ve definitely added to the problem over the years and made her feel guilt, which lead to obligation sex. I read books, listened to podcasts, and expected her to do the same, and low and behold she didn’t have the same interest in learning (I mean why should she with everything that happened?)

I finally hit a breaking/realization point recently that I can’t change her and it’s not healthy to want to. So I’ve been working more on what I can control, but still been frustrated with the amount of sex we’ve had, and also the lack of variety. People kind of lose their shit when I say she’s never given me a bj but after last night, who knows it might someday and honestly it’s not the most important thing. I talked to a guy here on Reddit with a similar situation/marriage as me and he mentioned all of the same things that were happening with his wife and what he did to change things. What made last night special was how up front about what I think we should try, and was more dominant. I wasn’t rough or anything like that, but I’ve realized my wife has to be lead in the bedroom, and since she has a reactive drive, she gets turned on during sex. I vocalized how I’d love to go down on her (she barely lets me anymore) and that id love to try doggy. We tried and ultimately failed at it because she was super tight after her period, and I’m pretty thick but we bounced back from it, and still had an amazing session, and even talked and joked after.

I mentioned today how nice it was and that I noticed she enjoyed being lead, to which she undoubtedly agreed. Hopefully there is much to come from this