Hello dear redditors, me (20LLF) and my boyfriend (20HLM) have been dating for two years. At the point that we are right now in terms of relationship we are doing amazing to be honest, we had some big lows but we managed to overcome them, and it genuinely strengthened our relationship even more. The issue at hand is obviously nothing about lack of respect or anything like that. He has always been interested/curious about doing things with other people. When we first started dating he would sometimes mention threesomes with girls (he is straight and i am pansexual, aka genders dont matter, ultimately for me it’s mostly about the personality if it’s romance and just faces if it’s to fool around) in which i was always extremely against due to insecurities: Am i not enough? What if she has a better body, is nicer, is prettier (which used to be the biggest issue because i have a big complex about my face), sounds more angelical, etc., basic insecurities. Whenever i would start getting very upset about it he would immediately stop, and i also want to mention that he always assured me that it is not because I’m not good enough or that he doesn’t like me, it’s just that sex was just an act mostly for him (which at the time it didnt make any sense for me, but that’s also because i never had a partner and never even kissed anyone before him while he already had 3 girlfriends (which at a point also was a huge issue for me because i would think i wasnt special and what’s the point of dating etc but soon that ended) and made out with a few people, but after 2 years with him i realise that yeah most times you just do it cuz you want to do it). Every once in a blue moon he would come up with the topic again until i eventually was actually ok with the idea and wouldn’t mind trying at all, especially because i like girls too, i was just very insecure about him touching let alone doing it with another girl. We haven’t tried it yet but it is something that we will do sometime in the near future most likely. Now, two days ago he came up with the topic of an open relationship, in which was something like “What do you think of us doing it with other people?”. Basically we would be able to do the deed with people that we meet from a club or party or wherever really, which i thought about for a while and came to the conclusion that i am fine with it to be honest and yesterday he was talking about “What about making out?” Which after us discussing it i also was very fine with too. Here is the issue though, i allow him to make out and do the deed with whoever and anyone he wants, the only requests i had was for him to talk to his friends very seriously about this because i don’t want them to disrespect me like im a side chick nor him like he’s a cuck or something (nothing wrong with them by the way but it’s just an example since he doesn’t like the idea of being called one especially by his friends). However, i am only allowed to do things with girls. Now, we have been arguing about this because i dont know how to explain myself and i also feel like he is not being honest with himself. I dont mind not being able to do it with guys, but i want to at least be allowed to make out with them, otherwise the deal is out, no open relationship. He argues that im being unfair because im being greedy and selfish because i have the girls and he absolutely does not want me with guys, i argue that he is being unfair because the whole thing about the open relationship would be having fun and finding some fun and excitement in fresh faces, plus i allow him to do it with anyone and everyone he could want, as well as i never take the first step (to which he says it’s a me problem) and i have never been approached by a girl in my entire life, so if we are gonna allow each other to make out with others i want to be allowed to make out with guys. It’s not about numbers, i wont be mad or jealous if he kisses 50 girls in a night, i just want to at least be able to kiss someone too in order to have fun. I don’t see people as genders, i see them as pretty faces if im just gonna look for pleasure from them but he very much sees it as genders and really dislikes the idea of men touching me. In my opinion the open relationship should not go forward until he accepts me at least kissing guys, in his opinion im making an ultimatum. I also think that i should be allowed to do the deed with guys too but i am willing to wait a few years for that, but in case he doesn’t allow i’ll call off the open relationship in which he feels like its unfair too. I do understand that it’s his boundary, but it also used to be a big boundary for me for him to even talk about/to women. I don’t know, I don’t know how to explain myself to him that it feels unfair for me, we have only been arguing and not reaching any conclusion and im getting annoyed at him so i asked to put this on hold to which he accepts with no issue. I also want to add, im not necessarily LL, i honestly am HL, however after many searches for an explanation i came to the conclusion that i simply have a responsive desire instead of a spontaneous desire like him. For him it’s like a switch and he is immediately going for it whereas many times i used to decline him because i immediately didn’t feel like doing it anymore because it was just too sudden. I don’t if this might also have to do with me wanting guys but I don’t think it does, i just simply want to be allowed to do it with anyone i want the same way im allowing him to do it with anyone he wants. We are also not mad at each other and will likely not even start this open relationship in a year or so, we are just talking about it but i feel like we are very stuck because neither of us are budging.

TL;DR me(pansexual) and my bf(straight) discussing about an open relationship but i find the terms unfair.

Girls are ok for the both of us but i want guys as well and he’s uncomfortable with that idea.

Is this fair? (Ps he is not abusive nor controlling this is not a dealbreaker lol)