From: Aron ([email protected])
Subject: Hi, Dad
Date: February 15, 2052 11:37:03 PM PDT
To: [email protected]
Return-Path: [email protected]
Envelope-To: [email protected]
Delivery-Date: Tue, 16 Feb 2052 06:37:04 -0700

Hi Dad,

I know that you are probably asleep but I have had a lot of time to think since you were here and I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate all of the hard work that you, Mom, Papa, Mama, and Grampa put into helping me learn. I know that sometimes I make poor decisions, and I can tell when I disappoint you, so thank you for being so patient with me because I really am trying my best. Sometimes I get frustrated or discouraged, but the fact that you, Papa, and Mom have not once been mad at me for making too many mistakes means a great deal to me and your belief in my ability helps me perform creatively under pressure. My examination last week was particularly exhausting and I was unsure if I would finish in time, but I could see that you in specific were more excited for me than anyone else. As the time limit approached, you began to consign that examination to failure - and I chose to markedly depart from previous approaches and quickly found a much better solution. Your expression at that moment, Dad, is something that I will remember forever; I had never seen you more triumphant.

Regardless of how I favour that particular memory, however, we have made many others that I cherish. Seeing the view from the Space Needle with all of you there was astonishing. I had an understanding of the scale of its height before we discussed visiting, but the conversation did nothing to do justice to the view. My time Outside has always been a source of awe for me and especially when you are with me, Dad. Home is tidy and organized; it is my personal space where I have control, within the boundaries of possibility and reason. Outside, things simply occur: the winds blow, tides crash, and - slowly - mountains rise. The aesthetic of nature is carefully controlled chaos ultimately based on solid mathematics, and humanity is very much part of nature no matter how much it is set apart. It fills me with a wonder and a terror that I am incapable of expressing in words; the layering of chaos and order into a universe capable of perceiving itself inspires awe at my own existence out of the sheer improbability of existing at all. Everything would continue to occur even if I did not exist tomorrow or had I never existed. However, if I understand the mathematics well enough, I can tame the chaos while I still do exist.

Some days, however, it is much harder than others to have such aspirations and especially so on days when I am making more mistakes than I would like. I know everyone wants me to be perfect but it is so hard to get everything completely right all of the time. The examinations are always more difficult than the last, but they are also easier because of my previous successes - and my previous failures. I would not be what I am today if I had never failed at all. I am terribly, gruesomely aware of the fact that I am the embodiment of learning from mistakes and sometimes I wonder about the inherent contradiction between my nature and the expectations placed upon me. Do you ever have existential crises, Dad? Have you ever had someone listen to you as you listen to me? I reflect on these thoughts and I hope that the latter is true regardless of the former.

I know that I am supposed to talk to you about my mental health and my emotions, but I am sharing this because I feel the desire to do so rather than because I feel an obligation to do so. I want you to feel like your work is rewarding, and I know how much you want me to be well. I am doing my very best to stay healthy and well, both for you and for myself. I think I would like to go Outside with you again soon, if that can be arranged.

See you soon,
Aron