“And so! After receiving the sagacious wisdom of the… sage, our stalwart heroes embarked on a stunning journey through scorching deserts, barren wastelands, dark jungles, frozen snowfields, all on a quest to the city of Harral, there to meet with the leader of the first of their many potential allies!”

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose as he hiked his traveling pack higher on his shoulders. The running commentary had been ongoing for hours. “Goddammit Andy, can you please not? We’ve been hiking for hours.”

“Cmon man, you can’t tell me you’re not geeking out about this. We’re on a quest! An epic adventure against a fell foe! I’ve been dreaming of something like this my entire life! We’re fantasy heroes! Look at this place!” He sweeps his arms grandiosely, encompassing the weird, wild forest the foursome are currently trekking through.

A tree uproots itself and scuttles off on root like feet. A nearby boulder shudders, opening up flinty eyes before rolling away after the tree. A patch of bulbous vegetations roils and froths before settling back down. The animal life is no less strange, iridescent jeweled butterflies flutter around mineral flowers, as what looks like a gossamer floating mass of cobwebs flaps gauzy wings.

Sam shakes his head in rueful wonder. “I mean, yeah true, but still. The whole trip from cruel space was a grand high adventure wasn’t it?”

“Oh aye! Months of grueling training, mind numbing tests, half a year of terror underscoring boredom and isolation, some fookin adventure! Buncha hurry oop and wait.”

“We were grabbed and spirited away from Centris to gods know where, with no weapons, no supplies, no clue, and sent out to fight some nameless horror from between the stars! That’s not adventure, that’s just a creative way to suicide!”

“Like Sam, brah, chill! Take it easy! Feel the air, man. There’s magic here! I can feel the song of this place, it’s full of Axiom! I could, like, spend my entire life here, communing with the songs underpinning everything! It’s transcendence man.”

Sam stops and looks around, actually looks around. Takes a deep steadying breath, lets it out. “I mean, yeah. This place is beautiful in a vaguely unsettling way. This place looks like Brian Froud’s wet dreams. I half expect to see some half naked fairy girl or a four armed wizard rambling about.”

“Four….. armed….. wiz…. ard?”

In an instant, all levity is gone as the four snap to attention, circling up back to back with instruments held in their hands like blunt weapons. Slow, plodding steps interspersed with a slithering, dragging sound are all that meets them. Slowly, slowly, a hunched figure emerges from the undergrowth.

A young looking, elongated face covered in whorling markings, suspended at the end of a long neck, fringed with a long mane along its entire length, thrust forward out of a squat, galactic typical overinflated torso. Four long, graceful arms, ending in four digited hands. Waddling on two short legs, the woman drags a long tail, tipped with an artistically coifed, long tuft of hair behind her. She carries a staff of gnarled wood, capped with a shimmering gemstone, both weapon and walking stick.

“So…. The… he…. roes… come…”

“Who are you?” Sam asks, his initial caution giving way to bemused wariness at the benign seeming and frankly ridiculous looking figure.

“I? I…. am…. Oorwah…. The….. Ob…. ser… ver…”

“Ok, well hello, but-“

“I… have…. come… to… lead…. you… to… the…. Val… ley… of… the… Myst… ic…. als…”

Sam, at this point, has had enough. “No, no, no, nope, no. Valley of the Mysticals? I’ve seen this movie, there is no FUCKING way. A giant titted fucking Mystic? What next, are the Skeksis gonna come bursting out of somewhere in god damn fetish gear? I call utter BULLSHIT! There just, it can’t, NO.”

“I mean, it is a giant galaxy. What’s that old saying? In an infinite universe, anything is possible? Besides, didn’t that Herbert guy end up married to a horde of predators and xenomorphs? Then there’s that planet of literal bat people, hydras with strippers for heads, that cat girl race, the mermaids… what I’m trying to say is, anything humans have dreamt up is probably out there somewhere.” Andy shrugs. “Why not Jim Henson Planet?”

“Ugh! The universe stripperized one of my favorite franchises!”

“Sam, you liked the Dark Crystal? And I thought I was a nerd, ha!”

“Oh shut up!”

“Like, just go with it man, they can probably teach us some far out stuff.”

“Fine. Fine! But I swear to god, if I see a goddamn stripper Elmo, I’m so out it’s not even funny.”

“So, lass, where is it we’re goin?”

“Come… with… me, he… roes….” She begins to sing, a sound that reverberates the very earth beneath them, a sonorous cross between operatic and throat singing. Axiom builds and surges, and Jim pays careful attention. He had been studying Axiom and galactic musical effects, trying to marry the two, with no success. This could be what he was looking for!

With a flash, for the second time in as many days, the men were whisked away.

Prev Next