Like the title says, there's a lot going on in my life right now. I moved back to my home country in January 2023 after finishing a Master's Degree. I ended up having to move back because I couldn't secure work before I had to leave. I had to move back in with my parents, who also recently relocated to a part of the country where I don't know anyone. So big shocks all around. I made some friends, but I rarely get to see them. 1 of my parents makes it particularly difficult for me to leave the house, and I feel like they regularly use me as their emotional punching bag, which has been quite hard as well. Especially since I'm not really able to see anyone other than them, so I have no one to talk to. Even worse, the only thing they will talk to me about is my weight and my job hunt/funding hunt.

I've now been unemployed for a year. I stopped counting after my 500th application (I kept a spreadsheet) and had over 50 interviews, all of which ended in rejections. My email was just a constant stream of rejections, I was even receiving rejections from box stores and waiter jobs. Anyways, all of this to say that it's been an incredibly emotionally and mentally challenging year... especially as someone that only sees themselves as valuable as their achievements (this does not, however, apply to anyone other than me, just me being way too hard on myself). 1 of my parents constantly reminds me that I'm unemployed, as if I can force someone to give me a job. I haven't taken a break from searching and applying in a year, I'm burnt out and severely depressed (near the point of debilitating depression). I decided that my only chance at getting out of here is getting a PhD, which I had told myself was a last resort. I already have 2 Master's Degrees, but nothing's come of them. This has been an incredibly difficult experience as well, as I'm constantly struggling with the thought that I'm about to go into more debt (I have lower than average student debt) for a degree that doesn't guarantee me a job. I now spend all of my time trying to untangle what my foreign university needs, what the government of the country I'm moving to needs, and all the dozens of scholarship and grant application due dates and their huge array of requirements. My university isn't doing a good job at answering my questions in a timely manner, which is making me even more anxious as important due dates approach. I don't want to go into more debt for a degree that isn't guaranteed to help me, but the possibility of getting funding would turn this from a money-sink into something I could potentially live off of for 4 years. It would be meager, but it would give me something to do, some resources, and allow me some freedom. But no funding means loans... which is a terrifying thought for someone that spent the last year unemployed.

This week they talked me into taking 2 days off of my funding hunt to take a fun trip to a town I've wanted to visit for a while. I feel bad, but I avoid taking trips with them because the conversation is just going to be about my weight and my job hunt, I know it was mentioned before, but I really need to drive in that point, AND they won't even consider doing anything I want to do - so it just isn't going to be fun. Something told me to go with them, my parents seemed as though they really wanted me to go, and they've been a bit easier on me this past week or 2. So I went ahead and and agreed to go and let them get my own room at the hotel (I was super grateful, I always tell them thank you and how much I appreciate what they do for me). Today it was announced that 1 of my parents is going to download an audio book and that's all we're going to listen to for the 4 hour drive there, and the 4 hour drive back. They told me it's a book called (something along the lines of) "Losing Weight for the Last Time." I didn't say anything other than "I'm so glad I'm going to take 2 days off of what I need to be doing to listen to a book about how fat I am." I've actually lost 20lbs in 2 months, so it's not like I'm not doing anything. I feel like I'm still that sad little invisible boy they repressed, the child they wish was invisible, the one that's been the focus of their emotional abuse for the past 31 years. I wish I didn't agree to go, my gut told me not to go, I could have spent those 2 days completely alone instead.