So, I have a very longstanding rape kink, but I'm also a bit of a coward, so I've never made anything of it. Never really gone rapebaiting, chickened out of CNC hookups, etc. At the end of the day, when the rubber meets road, I always manage to find an excuse not to.

Now, normally this desire comes and goes. Like, I'm almost always into rape kink flavored stuff, but I'm not always like "I should go out and get into some real trouble". But it's been so bad lately.

So, a few days ago, I was riding the bus home, just hanging out by the door. It's pretty empty both on the bus and in my head, and I'm just staring outside lost in my own little world. The bus rolls to a stop, and some guy brushes by me to get off, and he pauses as he goes by. I turn to look at him, cause it's kinda weird to stop in front of the doors, and he grabs me. Like, he steps in close, he's towering over me. I'm holding a bag at my side, and he reaches down and grabs my wrist to hold my arm down. With his other hand, he reaches up and grabs my breast. And I just fucking freeze up. Like, deer in headlights, numb, wide-eyed frozen in place. And then he just jumped out the door and started quickly walking down the sidewalk. It was like, maybe one or two seconds all-together. No one noticed. No one said anything. I didn't even really process what was going on until he'd already bailed.

And this has kinda fucked me up a lot more than I would have expected it to. Like, I've been groped before. I've had my ass grabbed in clubs. And that was a big experience for me and my rape kink, but this last experience really has me addled. I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop touching myself thinking about it. I can't shake off the feeling that I need more. It is fucking me up.

And I've been trying to figure out why this thing on the bus is so much more impactful than getting felt up at a club. Part of it, I think, is that the bus thing is so much more sudden. Like, at the club, I was tipsy. I was all dressed up. I wasn't necessarily there to get laid, but it was always a possibility I was open to. So, like, at the club I'm already on that wavelength. But on the bus, I was just chilling. I wasn't thinking about anything like sex. And it all just happens so quickly. It's disorientating, which makes it scary. It's a little violent, because he's like stepping into my space, holding my wrist, etc. He's in my face and making me feel so small. In the club, it was more like I was just tipsy dancing, and naturally brushing up against people, and then someone grabs my ass from behind and disappears, and I never quite know who it was. But the bus guy was out in the open, in the light, right in front of me.

It's just more intense an experience on every level, and I get that, but I'm just so surprised at how much it's impacting me this time. Like, I cannot get it off my mind. I can still feel the physical sensation, not just of being grabbed, but my heart pounding and face tingling and hands getting sweaty as I stand there and try to sort out what just happened. And then how turned on I got after I had had a minute to process. It's a wonder I was able to walk off the bus at all.

So, yeah. I'm struggling for my life right now with how strongly I'm reacting to this silly experience. Might even be enough to finally get me over my general cowardice and have me struggling for real, who knows. I just wanted to ramble about this thing I've been stuck on for the last week or so.