I don’t really know how to cope with it anymore. I’d much rather be with them than here. I have a patient tonight who has cancer and I think she’s coping with it more so than I am.

I try to do my best especially for my kid on the way. All my mom wants is for me to be happy but why does that seem so difficult.

I was officially diagnosed with PTSD last week when I finally spoke to a lady about not being able to cope with the death of my spouse that occurred last year. My spouse is no longer in California, like I told so many of our neighbors for months after he died.

He’s dead. Most days I wish I were too, so then I wouldn’t have to live without him and live through watching my mom suffer and go through cancer treatment. I just want things to be how they used to be years ago, when my mom was strong enough to come over my house and see me and go shopping with me.

I spent my lunch break writing this out, it’s okay though because I’m not hungry. I am too sad to eat. I don’t want to be here but I have to be able to take care of myself so I can’t go home.

This is my first shift of three in a row - I know I will get the same group tomorrow, I’ll have the lady with cancer again tomorrow. I’ll have another anxiety attack again tomorrow. Maybe if I ask long enough God will take my suffering away and I won’t have to wake up tomorrow.