i wanted to wait and make this an anniversary post of sorts, next month will be a year since i lost my friend (6/26/2021), but i just needed to write this out.

the grief still bubbles up in my chest at the most random times.. i met Matt by sheer luck, on a not-so-random friday night in January 2010, and i’m forever grateful for it. he tattooed me 2 or 3 times a year (probably more, really) for 11.5 years. i connected with him right away, but i didn’t let him really get to know me for a couple of years. he became one of my dearest friends. our friendship was unlike any other i’ve had; my heart hurts, i miss him so much.

thankfully, i still see his face in my head, and can still hear his voice. most importantly, i think of him every day, every time i look at myself; and have the memory of hanging out at the shop, getting my next tattoo and smelling that calming soap smell (i love that smell). just knowing Matt was around made my life better, so finding out 2 days after his accident that he was gone, when i had texted him just 2 days before it happened, broke me. my heart is still broken. everyone says things get better/easier with time, but i’m still waiting for that to happen.

this grief is deep. i am not the same person because of this. i shouldn’t be expected to be, but still. i miss him like no other. it feels kind of ridiculous, but he knew how much he meant to me, i know he’s not surprised. i just wish it didn’t hurt so bad. maybe one day it won’t, but not any time soon.

*not looking for advice/sympathy, please do not offer it.