My friend died suddenly right before Christmas. I am having a very hard time processing it and the grief. For over a week I couldn’t get any information on how or why and I was just in shock and denial. I felt so confused and I didn’t believe it.

I kept running things through my mind that might have happened. I knew there was one possible scenario that if I found out was the cause would be something I just can’t handle. I started to think that it seemed like the family wasn’t ever going to release any information. So I decided that for myself I would pretend that I knew the cause and it was the one that I felt I could most easily accept.

I struggle with severe recurrent clinical depression and was already in a bad episode when I found out that my friend died. People kept telling me that the cause of death doesn’t really matter because either way it’s a tragedy and i will grieve. But I felt like I am so fragile right now that I needed to tell myself it was the cause that I could guess that didn’t seem as terrible as other possibilities. I know that seems messed up. I am not thinking clearly lately. I think I was just trying to protect myself.

Today I found out the cause and it is the one that I was most scared of. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say more here so I won’t. But the point is that I feel like I am totally incapable of coping with this now. It’s too much for me. I feel like I am breaking.

I was able to talk to my therapist for a few minutes on the phone and will have a session next week in which I’ll be able to talk more about this. I think I want to figure out if I can compartmentalize until then. Sort of put the whole thing in a mental box that I can take out when I have the support I need.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by making this post. I just feel so horrible and scared of how deep the pain really goes and I don’t know what to do.