I have no idea why but I’m still in denial in regards to my spouse passing away. I’ve been telling my neighbors he’s been away in California visiting a friend and no, I’m not sure when he’s coming back.

I break down in tears at the most random (and sometimes, worst) of times, hate my occupation that he encouraged and was so proud of my success in, and can’t even listen to or think about certain music anymore without becoming overtaken by complete despair.

Other times I feel like I’m okay and I’m over it. That it was meant to happen, and we’ll see each other again someday in another lifetime. I’m ready to move on. I have to. I can’t fall back on the most incredibly sad thoughts every time something goes wrong. Nor can I just withdrawal from life and continue to be a walking, talking ghost in society.

Any suggestions on coping? I don’t really want to go to therapy if that matters at all. Was told spouse had a year and a half, he passed away yet no more than two months later. Late stage pancreatic, liver, bone, and kidney cancer. Together for 6 years.