And I am so irrationally mad at the universe it's not even funny.

My dad died in February 2020, just before the world shut down. I had just enough time to fly a thousand miles have his services and clean his apartment. Then everything shut down and I went numb. The world stopped and I think I stopped.

now that everything is opening up again it feels like I'm waking up. I miss him so much it's not even funny. My heart hurts from missing him.

On Monday I turn 30. Last year I just ignored my birthday, which isn't normal for me, I love birthdays. I'm annoying about birthdays, mine, family's friends. But with everything shut down, it was mother's day and my dad's death I just didn't celebrate it.

Now I'm 2 days away from my next one. Everyone keeps asking what I want for my birthday and honestly? I just want my dad. I want to call him I want to talk to him. I want to tell him that I was rehired for next school year.(as a teacher) I want to tell him how my students are doing. How much. They've grown since I was first hired. How much I've grown.

I want to tell him how scared I am. About all my health problems, if anyone in my family would understand it would be him. How I'm scared my body is just going to give up on me like his did on him.

But most of all I'm so pissed off. That he was alive when my sister turn 30 and he's not for me. That I'm not going to get another stupid or inappropriate birthday card from him again. I just want to hear him say "hey bug" again....