I’m really here to just vent as I still continue to work through the loss , I know I won’t be judged here or told the usual shit people tell you when you suffer a loss.

As I mentioned in the caption my grandmother was my best friend she had my back through thick and thin and backed me up with a level of confidence and just support I felt like I could do anything after asking her when I say anything I mean anything she left a major imprint on when I made a decision because she was so wise .

There isn’t anyone I was closer to , just her at number 1 but I’m sure we all know our true “best friend” is irreplaceable. I feel lost in a major way , I’m trying to hide my unmotivated moods , but attempting to gather a foothold without her especially in this new year has been just rough .

At a moments notice I’m ready to check out from it all . I don’t think any one knows how serious I am when I say I’d trade a lot just to repeat our last conversation .

Nothing feels good , when I fix my lips to say good my chest gets tight because I don’t believe good will exist without you present her here .

For some reason I refuse to let myself cry too much about it , idk I’m sure many can see where I’m coming from when I say this but after that loss it feels like I’ll never be good again , when I found out I immediately wanted her to take me too .

I think the worst part of it is trying to actively not look for someone to try to fill her shoes while still comparing them to a checklist of everything she did for me and I’ve come to the realization that no one will love me like she did or have my back like she did and to be very honest the more I sit with that the more my heart breaks because no one is her 🤦🏾‍♂️ like my number 2 is present but just isn’t cutting it . What do I do ? How do I get through something I don’t even really wanna go through .

The past few mornings I’ve cried as I’ve walked to work because I’m still vulnerable in the mornings but I know I have a whole fuck ton of emotion I just wanna let out somehow . I’ve been putting a lot of energy into sexual relationships and I know it’s not healthy but it’s the only thing that makes me feel any kind of positive