^{I need to vent. So I apologize if this is a long read.}

On Saturday, November 7th, my Uncle had a small family/friends gathering at his home for his 39th birthday. Now, I was never one to say Covid is fake, but I was skeptical on how the virus spread...until I lost my grandma. Rest her soul. Here is the story:

My boyfriend who is a bartender worked that Friday night before my Uncle's birthday. The following day he came home from work saying he didn't feel too well and that his throat was aching. (In retrospect, I know this should've been a sign he was most likely positive.) However, regretfully underestimating the virus, I still asked him to come with me to my Uncles. (Stupid, I know) Most of my family members were present, including my grandma. No one wore a mask, and there were lots of kids.

On Sunday, I started feeling a bit off. My throat felt sore for no reason at all. But I claimed it as allergies due to the season changing since this was a yearly and seasonal thing for me. Fast-forward to Tuesday, November 10th, I woke up extremely tired, my body ached and my throat was sore. As I attempted to eat for fuel, I found myself not being able to smell nor taste what was right in front of me. It was weird, but I still didn't think anything of it. Until I Googled the symptoms of COVID. That's when I freaked out.

Monday, my aunt had texted me to help her with something in her house. I told her I couldn't since I was feeling under the weather and that I would head over there tomorrow.

Tuesday, I went over to my aunt's house where my grandmother also lives. Went to eat In-n-Out and still could not taste

Wednesday-Monday, stayed home to "quarantine". On Sunday, my grandma called me saying she was coughing and that my 9 year old cousin was also. I asked her if she was fine and if she was able to smell and taste... she said yes.

On Tuesday, the 17th, I receive a call from my grandmother asking for me to pick her up some pads because she was having diarrhea and her Centrum vitamins since she ran out. I brought it to her and she seemed the same, just had a stomachache and was just coughing minimally. My aunt asked her if she wanted to go to urgent care for her diarrhea, but she said no. For the next few hours, I was taking care of her. Taking her to the bathroom and fed her because my aunt said she wasn't drinking enough water and eating. She was starting to look pale and I watched her from afar, noticing that her breathing was getting deeper and deeper. I can hear congestion in her chest, as if mucus filled it. It was nearly midnight and I said goodnight to her before heading home.

Wednesday, the 18th, I went to grab her some bread, coconut water and mucinex. When I got to her room, she was flat on her bed, eyes in the ceiling, with her body kind of shaking. My voice was loud calling her "ma, ma, ma!" I brought you your favorite bread, let's get up and eat now!" In our language. It took her awhile, and she finally directed her eyes toward me and saw me... I told her to sit up, so I helped her. As she sat up, I gave her her tea and water. She asked how long had I been there, I said not too long. I was trying to wake you up. But she said she doesn't remember. Throughout the day I continued to watch her. I fed her some pancake, tea and water. She only ate half of the pancake. I told her she should sit on her rocking chair since she's been on her bed. So I helped her move. I asked if it was okay if I went to eat since I hadn't eaten anything yet. She said of course and that she was fine. Around 2:40pm ish, I was talking to my aunt and we decided to bring her to urgent care. Checked her in through the phone and waited to receive a text when to head over...

3pm-ish, I went into my grandma's room telling her that we're taking her to urgent care and that we're waiting. I told her she needs to eat before we left so I grabbed her her favorite bread and orange juice. I fed her, she only ate a little bit but finished her juice. It was around this time I started realizing how much my poor grandma was struggling. Her breathing consisted of deep breaths and phlegm. My heart sunk. I told her she had to change her clothes since we were leaving the house. So I dressed her in her nightgown (what she wanted), leggings and shoes along with her beanie. I grabbed her moisturizer so she wasn't so dry-skinned. I massaged her face, arms, hands, neck and back for the next 20ish minutes until we were interrupted by aunt saying that we could head over now. My grandma said she needed to use the restroom before we left. So I took her. After the restroom, I helped her back to her room just a few steps away. I could feel how heavy she got. I sat her on her chair... said we need to put her jacket on since we're leaving. As I fixed her hair. She felt cold, heavy. She let her body loose, slightly tapped the wall with her head, as I was yelling "ma ma!"...Unresponsive, and her eyes rolled. I yelled to my aunt, who called her husband. My grandma went white, kind of purple. Laid her on the floor. Aunt calling 911. My uncle is giving her CPR... a whole tragic event goes down. Paramedics, firefighters... 5 of them helping eachother. Grandma's nose is bleeding. My aunt, and cousin and I obnoxiously crying, panicking. 15-20mins later they finally get a pulse. Put my grandma on the stretcher and into the ambulance.

4:30ish my grandma is rushed to the hospital.

After exactly 24hrs, Thursday the 29th, at 4:50ish, as we had her on FaceTime watching the doctors resuscitate her. Several minutes later, we tell them to stop because we couldn't let her suffer any longer.

My grandma passes. Just like that. In a matter of a few days.

I’m upset. Heart-broken and sad. I feel a great deal of guilt because of me underestimating this virus. I feel like this was all my fault. That she contracted it from me or my boyfriend. That she could still probably be here with us for a few more years if it weren’t for me and this stupid f*cking virus. I will never forgive myself. This is my fault.