I don't really expect anyone to read this... this is more for me to dump out my emotions.

On Friday, I lost my mother to liver cancer. She was 57. Back around February of last year, she had intense pain in her abdomen. It turned out a nodule in her liver "popped". They removed a portion of her liver surgically, but a couple of months later, it was found that the cancer had spread all through her liver. She started radiation bead therapy to help contain the liver, with hopes that it wouldn't spread. They said if they could contain it, that she'd be eligible for a liver transplant.

Unfortunately, a two small tumors were later found outside of her liver. So at this point it just became a battle of delaying the inevitable. She was doing great until about a month ago, when she was hit by a truck in a car accident. She called me to come pick her up. I insisted that we go to the hospital but she kept saying she was fine, and that she just wanted to get home. So we went home. I wish I had put my foot down...

About a week later, my dad took her into the hospital because she was very confused and out of it. It turns out she had some internal bleeding, a UTI, a fractured sternum, and a fractured L5 vertebra. They also found that the cancer had spread to her lungs. After getting some fluids in her, she made a partial recovery and was sent home.

A week after that, she was back in the hospital. This time, it was found that she was going through kidney failure. They gave her about a week to live. She came home Saturday night still very confused and out of it, but there was little they could do.

I'll always cherish the time I spent with her on Monday. She was awake and so cognizant. We went over pictures for the funeral and she told me some stories I hadn't heard before. It was wonderful. It made me think I was going to have her so much longer than a week. Tuesday she was very tired, and wasn't able to stay awake to speak much, but she was aware when she did.

Wednesday I thought I was going to lose her... and in some ways, I did. She was in and out, but was out 95% of the time. For the brief moments when she was awake, she was mostly confused... but we were able to exchange "I love you's," which I'm very grateful for. Amidst this she spoke surprisingly clearly, "I don't think I want you kids to be around at the end... it's going to be too scary." I insisted that we weren't going to leave her alone... that we'd be there until the end. She smiled and said, "Okay... if you really want to be." And I assured her that we did before she nodded off again.

We were able to walk her (very slowly) to bed that night, and that was the last day that she was conscious... Thursday morning, she laid in bed, her eyes widened in horror. She couldn't speak, and didn't seem to be responding to us. She was just fidgeting and uncomfortable. My dad called a nurse, and they were able to make her more relaxed.

We each took turns spending some alone time with mom. We didn't know if she could hear us, but we each spoke with her anyway. We played some of her favorite music as she laid there. Her eyes were mostly open all day, but she looked much more relaxed than in the morning. Surprisingly, she made it through the night. Friday, she just looked like she was sleeping all day. Again, we laid next to her and spoke with her. At about 8:45 PM, she took in one last deep breath, and then it was over... we aren't particularly religious, but my family said a prayer for her. We called the funeral home who came to get her, and they allowed us to say one more private goodbye to her before they took her.

I went through my phone trying to find videos or pictures of my mom. I only had a few pictures of her, one poor quality video (though finding this makes me feel like my mom is telling me she misses me), and no voicemails. I've always been one to take a lot of dog pictures and nature pictures, but I have so few pictures of people... including my own mother. This really upsets me to think that, years from now, I won't even have much of a way of remembering my mom's voice... no real way of seeing her mannerisms on video. It makes me feel like I didn't love her enough, or that I didn't cherish my time well enough with her while she was around. Hell, I didn't even take full advantage of the moments I had with her after we already knew about the cancer. I didn't even make a video on that last Monday I had with her... why? Why didn't I do these things? I'm really beating myself up about it.

Why couldn't have any of the things leading up to this point have been different? Could they have been more aggressive in controlling the cancer? And there were so many weird little things that led up to my mom needing to drive on the day of that accident. She shouldn't have been driving. And what if I had put my foot down after the accident and insisted she went to the hospital that very day? Would that have bought her much time?

I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could go back and, even if I couldn't stop the cancer, I wish I could go and change so many other little things... I'm so sorry, mom. I'm so grateful that I was able to say goodbye, and tell you how much I loved you at the end... but I wish I were around more while you were still here. I wish I had done more to immortalize you.

I'll always love you... you will be missed by so many.