This is a strange post. tl;dr- my coworker lost someone very close to them due to suicide and it brought up all my old traumas and grief from my own losses.

Last Wed night I looked at my phone late; my coworker messaged me to say she wasn’t going to be in at work because her daughter’s best friend since preschool killed herself. Of course my heart went out to them both and I’d be able to cover her Thursday. She then let me know the following evening she would be out again on Friday.

It was so hard to mask. I’ve lost three cousins to suicide all before the age of 18, 2010, 2011 and in 2019, as well as college/older friends in various stages of their lives. I’m a survivor of an attempt when I was 16 as well. I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through but somehow I kept it cool during work. I unloaded on my therapist yesterday too.

And that’s just the thing about loss- I’d learned from a death doula that we will grieve usually the last death as a means of coping with the current one, but suicide is a unique case for me at least. I hate that this happens to people we love and care about, especially so young due to social media, no access to mental health care, instabilities in the home, just growing up as our true selves is a burden sometimes and those of us who have survived, who are left behind, still have to process and navigate these feelings, these storms, when they rise.

I’m doing better, like I’ll be able to work. But my coworker, I’m so worried about her and her daughter and everyone close to the best friend. Yet all we can do is do our best to wake up each day, in gratitude and in love that we were lucky and blessed to have even loved and cared for another so much that their passing shakes us to the core of our being.

Tell people you love them. Care about them. Think about them. Reach out. You never know if you breaking the silence makes all the difference is hearing their voice another day.

Thanks for listening.