This post is just a “journal” of sorts. I suppose typing out my thoughts with this situation may help me.

My brother was murdered recently. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Returning to normal life has just been such a nightmare. Growing up, the two of us were close and shared so many interests. We both loved fishing, hunting, hanging with grandpa, being outside, playing with the farm equipment etc. Typical “country boy” stuff. As we got older, we began to diverge from one another. I no longer enjoyed those activities. I wanted to play sports, video games, write music, go to college, and I suppose become more “worldly.” We grew apart really hard and once he moved out of our house. We never really reformed our relationship. As years passed, we’d see each other at family gatherings, out in town, working farms, etc., and we still liked each other. There was no hostility. However, years passed and we talked less and less. He had kids and stayed in our hometown while I went to off to college. Meaning I’d see him only once or twice a year. Some years we didn’t see each other or even call each other. Then our parents split up and things got even worse. He very heavily “sided” with our dad. I “sided” heavily with mom. We went many years without talking and his kids were 7 years old before they were able to even remember who I was from former gatherings. Fast forward to this year, he was murdered in a random act of violence and I’m having such a hard time dealing with all the guilt I feel. I feel like such a shit brother and uncle to his kids that it’s sickening. He would never say that about me and I think he’d be really angry if he knew that’s how I felt. I don’t really know how to get over that feeling or if I ever will. I just wish I could see or talk to him one more time to tell him how much I love him.