Back in January 2021 I lost my mom to suicide and then on Mother’s Day in 2021 (first one without my mom) my best friend overdosed and passed away. I have been honestly just trying to stay alive since then. Im 18 now was 16 then.

The first year was honestly the easiest for me mentally. I’m here because I’m confused, and I need to be reassured that I am not insane. I know grief is weird, and personal, and never goes away. But man, when does it get easier?

After the first year the shock was all gone and the depression was coming, fast. I feel like ever since the first year without them ended I have been just questioning why I am still here breathing and smiling and laughing if they aren’t here with me. What is the point?

I don’t even cry I just sit in silence while my brain is nonstop running through memories, and impossible scenarios while my stomach feels like it’s on the floor. I feel very empty and alone even though I have family and a good girlfriend to talk to and spend time with. They just aren’t my mom, or my friend reilly. And that makes me feel so guilty.

Idk, this all sounds very all over the place and I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling good enough to write down, so any advice would be amazing. Thank u