I lost him the last week of January, it’s been such an interesting experience. Grief is such a profound yet painful experience. This is so real, yet some of my new reality feels fake. I feel like I’m in some sort of cursed alternate timeline, like I never expected my life to end up the way it’s been going. Both good and bad. Like I’m constantly in shock that life just keeps going. Is that any way anyone would want to live? Im just constantly feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, and the universe around me always feels a bit too bright and loud and needs too much from me. It’s almost every day where I have to remind myself that if I pass out from a panic attack that I work in a hospital and I’ll be fine.

I don’t think I can ever truly grasp the painful reality of my situation. It might be the limitations of being human that I’ll never truly comprehend death, or perhaps it’s my own limitations since it’s my first experience as a 22 year old. Either way, it’s difficult to think that there will never be new memories to be made with him.

I want to go back to the days. I see him in everything and it’s painful. We hurt each other so bad, I was just so scared of him. I almost wish I just sucked it up and took everything horrible I experienced with him, I’d at least have more to look back on. I can’t reminisce with him about the good times either, like, he’s dead how could I do that??

I just want things to get better for me too. My mental health has always been in the gutter and now I’ve been dealing with dad’s death. Like cancer decided to ruin the life of my dad and everyone close to him like a total loser. Cancer can suck it.