Hopefully, I'm asking this in the right place. Basically, I've been noticing a few minor changes in my life lately, in terms of personality/attitude. I'm wondering if it's a natural part of getting older, or if things in my life have made me less patient or irritable. Here are a few examples of things I've noticed:
1. For starters, the biggest change I noticed involves a really good friend of mine. He comes from a family of 2 brothers and 2 sisters, all of whom I adore and love very much. We've known each other for many years, and they're really good people. I care about them deeply, but lately, one of these friends, whom I spend the most time with and respect greatly, has been kind of "annoying" me more often with some of his quirks. He's a bit of an overachiever, which isn't a bad thing, and he's also a bit too "humble" at times, not giving himself enough credit. Here are a few instances that kind of annoyed me:
- At a Halloween party he hosted, he went above and beyond. The party was great, he dressed as a shaman, and his outfit looked amazing. He set up fun events and games for prizes, and he did a great job overall. But when it came time to vote for the best dressed, he announced, "I'm not on the ballot for voting for best costume..." It just made me think, "Really?" It seemed like he knew most people would vote for him, or something. He isn't the type to think himself so amazing and usually underplays things. He truly is a humble guy, but it just got a bit annoying. I was thinking, "Come on, you deserve some votes, your costume is badass..."
- Another instance has been with some of the games we play together. He is big into D&D, and we play Baldur's Gate 3 a lot. We have a few games running, like one with me, my brother, and him, and then an iron man style challenge with just me and him. Literally today, when we were playing the one with all three of us, we had a big boss battle. There was a lot going on, a lot to keep up with. I summoned a few zombies to help us fight some undead skeletons. I ordered them to go fight for us, and on one of my turns, he suggested that I basically send one of them with higher health to fight a nearby undead because he had armor of agathys as a reaction, which caused attackers to take some cold damage. I'm not sure why, but something about that moment irked me. It had something to do with me being out of my natural element with these types of games. I struggle to keep up with having so many things going on at once, and I had forgotten the enemies had this armor thing as a reaction. I was going to attack with the current zombie in the turn order who had 1 hp versus the one who had more. I didn't notice this. I was unable to "keep up," and it felt like my friend sort of "read my mind" and instinctively knew I'd forget this little fact. Something about that really annoyed me. It made me notice his "overachiever" quirk, and it just bugged me.
- Anytime he issues orders in games is another annoyance to me. He's not controlling or anything, but it seems like he'll take some minor things a bit too seriously. For Honor is a huge one. He gets really bent out of shape if we lose consecutively. He's a bit of a sore loser and will get quiet, moody, and sulk a lot, whereas I am unbothered in the slightest. For Honor is a tough game, and sometimes you just get your ass kicked no matter how hard you try. Sometimes other players are just in their groove or just flat out performing better than you. It happens. I just see it as "damn, if only I had reacted a second sooner..." For me, it's "next time I'll get it..." It gets to a point where it's not fun playing with him. He'll get really blunt and critical, and I will think to myself, "What about all our other clutch matches we pulled off?" or "What about all our other victories?" There's no celebration or recognition for those times. He'll say stuff like "Alright, let's get it together," or "Let's pull off a win for once here..." It's just not encouraging and puts pressure and stress on everyone to perform better. For me, it's just a game. I couldn't care less if I lose or not, but he takes it a bit too seriously sometimes.
Maybe it's true that "familiarity breeds contempt." Maybe I am spending too much time with my friend, and it's become a pseudo-partnership. I even sometimes get jealous when he goes out with other friends, like, "I want to be your favorite friend. I spend the most quality time with you..." type thoughts pop into my head.
My other change I've noticed is my annoyance with "forced pleasantries." Maybe being more easily annoyed is a symptom of depression. I did recently lose my stepfather to liver disease and type 1 diabetes. He really struggled, and it broke my heart seeing him in his deteriorating state. I haven't officially spoken to a therapist about it yet. I just deal with it myself, but maybe the sadness and grief are manifesting in other ways, like irritability.
But essentially, I get tired of the forced pleasantries/niceties with people now. It feels fake and disingenuous, like this person doesn't really care about me. I am nobody to them. This may be a poor example, but it's something "peculiar" I noticed that seemed contrary to my personality/attitude:
Basically, I had to go up to get some McDonald's and borrowed someone's car for this because mine was in the shop for repairs. Just a quick easy trip, right? I'm just 5 minutes away. As I was driving back, suddenly I saw police lights. I was sitting there thinking, "Really?" I don't speed. I obey traffic laws. I am THE LEAST harmful person on this planet. I have done jack all to anybody. I just want my damn food and to go home, for fuck's sake. What the hell could this guy want? There are bigger fish to fry, right? Basically, my taillights weren't on. I didn't know this since I don't drive this person's car. He says he'll let me off with a warning, and I just sat there thinking, "Oh, thank you, merciful one..." and just rolled my eyes at the whole situation. As he was walking away, I tried to say something to express my gratitude anyway, but the words failed me. I bumbled my words and basically said, "Thank you, sir... (paused, thinking of the next phrase) for... everything." It sort of "lazily" came out, half-effort, like a "whatever" kind of thing. This just seemed so contrary to my personality. I am not a mean person, and it felt like I just stopped caring
in that moment. This is something I've been struggling with more and more recently—a nihilism, defeatism sort of mentality. Like, nothing matters. Why bother anymore? I guess I need to start worrying about my mental health. I thought I was okay, but maybe problems are arising as a result of not addressing the loss of my stepdad, or maybe I am just becoming bitter as I've gotten older.