As we close out the year, it sinks in that I’ll never see my sister again. The holidays sucked. I hid away during thanksgiving. And I feel like the people I should be able to turn to either can’t relate like they think they can or become uncomfortably dismissive, trying to turn it to another subject. They say there’s so many support systems but it feels like that’s just a lie

There’s so much emptiness and questions. It feels like I’m just going through the motions of life, building up a wall, always on edge waiting for the small triggers so set me off, which is unfair to those I’m supposed to look after. I feel like the need to be strong for others hasn’t allowed me to process the grief the way I should. No counselor or therapist clicks and I’m always inches away from a mental breakdown. The best I could hope for is being held while I breakdown but that’s apparently not an option.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I just hate how everything is numb