Been a few weeks since his funeral. It’s painful that he never saw my last text message. I had no idea until his dad texted me through his phone. Even worse knowing his mom died before him back in July.

I was in the middle of a grocery store when I got the news. Broke down in tears as soon as I got in the car, it was very unexpected. He just turned 36 back in September. Only 1 semester left with his degree. I was considering where we were in our friendship/relationship since neither of us knew to the full extent in what we wanted. Sometimes he always assumed he’d scare me off. I always reminded him he wasn’t getting rid of me. For me, I decided what I truly wanted a little too late. There was a lot more I wanted to say.

I’ve pretty much shut down since then. I’ve hardly said much or responded to text messages. Everything just feels overwhelming such as my heart racing like I’m going to explode anytime someone asks random questions or attempt a conversation.

I only had him in my life for the past 6-7 months since late June (although we spoke once back in our fall 2022 semester at our university) & he meant a great deal to me. I just always wanted to be there for him. I think it’s safe to say I really loved him. Never took my wall down the way I did with him.