Tw: suicidal ideation Also mention of a bdsm relationship.

I am at a loss. My wife who was also my Domme passed away in 2017. We were together 14 years, and for the last 10 I was her collard service sub. It was a 100% FLR, tpe situation. She died suddenly, and in the home. In short,she sustained an injury that exposed undiagnosed colon cancer, the injury ruptured her intestines, she got sepsis, was treated for it, and had most of her gastrointestinal tract removed. During the surgery to remove the ruptured intestines is when they found the cancer. It was in every organ in her abdominal cavity. Particles of fecal matter had been passing through the intestinal membrane into her abdomen carrying cancer cells with it. The surgery was on April 12th, and by June 2nd she passed. She died at home, on palliative care, with me as her primary care taker. I did everything i,could to keep her comfortable. I feel like I didn’t do enough. I can’t move on. I have bipolar 2, ptsd and I stay awake until I literally pass out, because if I go to sleep, I relive the day she died in my nightmares. It happens every single time I go to sleep unless I pass out from exhaustion. I go days at a time up to 5 days before I fall. I am up so long I have hallucinations. I see a team of doctors, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrist, I’m on a list of meds as long as my arm, and nothing helps.

In the past year to year and a half I’ve had encounters with people that have apparently sensed my vulnerability and took advantage of it, and hurt me deeply. My rv that st I live in was broken into last Christmas Eve. They took everything I owned that wasn’t in the shed basically. They took every momento had of her except one collar I had in a small box at the back of a closet. They even took my photo Albums. And to make matters worse this past year I’ve had strange medical problems arise. I tell the doctors about my lack of sleep, and I don’t think they believe it’s as severe as I tell them.

In the past year every time I’ve reached out to who I believed to be friends, I’ve been met with silence. Not a single person has come to visit me since last Christmas. Nobody calls to even check up on me,and they all know I have bipolar and ptsd. I know it’s not their responsibility to check in on me, but to go an entire year isolated, it’s got me at my end. I’ve reached out, I’ve made calls, that go straight to voicemail. Texts go unanswered. I had a major anxiety attack on November 16th, mania overtook me I was having a break from reality. I called and texted six people, two of which I’ve known over thirty years, and as of today December fourth at two am, not a one has responded.

I’ve been grieving this loss alone, I have no support system and my own coping mechanisms are failing. I’m not getting the help I need and I’m terrified of being 5150’ed. so I don’t tell my doctors exactly how bad it is. And each day it is getting worse. Where can I turn for help?because I have no idea if I’ll get up the next time I fall.

Update as of Dec 13th. I was on my way to retrieve my handgun from a trusted friend that keeps it for me because I’ve e had the thought before. On my way the phone rang and it was my case worker. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion and crying uncontrollably and said out loud to her, I am in such a bad place right now I want to deepthroat a Glock.

At that instant she informed me of a few things, first she called a voluntary crisis response group in the area, and that I had exactly two choices, voluntary or involuntary admission to a mental health facility. She made it clear what the differences were, how involved I could be in my treatment, and how difficult it would be to be discharged when I wanted to.

I spent a week i the grippy sock motel, during that time I spoke with grief counselors daily as well as mental health specialists. They added two meds, one lets me sleep without dreaming, the other slows and occasionally stops looping thought processes.

Those two simply changes and slight dosage reassessments dramatically changed my quality of life. I’m still not great, but I’m doing a hell of a lot better. I still grieve her passing but it doesn’t occupy my mind constantly, and I’m remembering better memories, but I’m still scared to sleep. I’m looking for a local grief counseling group, and as ironic as it sounds I do volunteer at the local hospital, sitting with friends and relatives of patients on hospice care offering someone to just talk to. But I couldn’t bring myself to look for the same.