TW: SUICIDE

I don't know if this is the place to put this...

Something I have never told anyone is that ever since my best friend killed himself (I found him hanging) I've thought about killing myself every single day. For over 10 years now I've had these intrusive thoughts. When I say everyday, I mean every single day. It's never the same way, one day it could be OD, others could be jumping in front of a train, hanging myself, honestly the list goes on. It's weird though because I don't want to die, I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to not be here, but also some times i dont exactly want to be here. I just miss him, he was my twin flame, my soul mate, my best of best friends. But, sometimes "Unsubscribing" from this plane of existence just kinda makes sense. Like I'm not depressed at all. I have anxiety, but nothing too terrible. I've spoken with my psych and other supports about some of the thoughts. But this is absolutely the first time I've written it down, let alone said it out loud.