I lost my older brother to suicide almost three years ago. We were really close.

He believed in me more than anyone. He used to tell me this story of when we were traveling as a family and how as a four year old sitting in an airport with nothing to do, I was content just to watch people. He told me that's when he realized I was different, or as he put it, "special."

I was 19 when he died and now I'm 22. I was spinning my wheels at community college, not sure what I wanted to do. I felt like I had wasted the potential he always told me I had. Now, I'm doing an internship at a big tech company and I have a presentation to give tomorrow.

My life has changed so much in this time and I wish he were here to see it. I wish I could turn to him for advice on all these young adult things. More than anything, I wish I could give him a hug. Not because I need it, I do, but because he must have needed one.

The title of this post came from a song called I Guess by Mitski. It's about the end of a relationship but I still found it describes how I feel.

At the end, she sings "from here I can tell you, thank you." That's how I feel. It hurts so much that he's gone but I am so grateful to have had the best brother ever. I can only hope his pain is over and that maybe now he's at peace.

I used to ask myself all the time, "what happened to the love my brother had for me? If he's gone, then is it gone too?"

Maybe since matter cannot be created or destroyed, that love still exists. I can tap into it when it's late and I need to sleep, or when I need to wash my face, drink water, or tell someone I love them. I think that if I can believe in myself half as much as my brother believed in me, I'll be okay.