On Saturday it will be one month since my mom died. I did ok for the first couple of weeks. I got through the funeral and the associated awkwardness with long lost family. We came home and got back to life. My husband is at work and son is at school. I made lunches and dinners and walked the dog. I cleaned and did laundry. I was gentle with my kids and spouse. But over the past week or so I feel like I’m slowly starting to drown. I miss her so much it hurts. I hear her voice in my head and I’m terrified of the day that I forget what that sounds like. I replay the last time I saw her before the hospital. I put my head on her knee and told her I loved her. She had cancer but wasn’t anywhere near dying. A few days later she fell, caught Covid and died. This past week has been full of particularly difficult challenges with my kids and money stuff etc. I call my mom and she talks me down. She would always call and say “Megsie I had a thought”. And I’ll never hear that again. It’s so hard and i can’t sleep. I lose her again every night in my dreams and again when I wake up. I have to go to her apartment this weekend to clean it out. I’d rather do just about anything but I’ll do it for her.