Yonhap News TV

“This is the darkest news I have the displeasure to forecast to the nation: we have received a video recording of one of our elected officials; one of the bastions of our democracy, engaged in… the anchor wipes away tears sexual acts with a man in what forensic analysts have described as an “Inflatable Among Us Costume For Adults Halloween”. It is, without a doubt, the most disturbing video I have ever seen.”

This reporting from Yonhap News TV which broke the story was only the tip of what would quickly become a disturbing, far reaching, and convoluted iceberg that Korean conspiracy theorists rightfully described as “going all the way to the top!”

After the first news report dropped the politician involved was quickly identified as the mayor of Jeonju. The man in the Among Us costume was not identified but is assumed to be a prostitute. The footage was recorded at a new popping hot Korean club that opened last year to rave reviews and was frequented by the upper echelons of Korean society. This was a massive news story on its own; a major mayor engaging in adultery and debauchery at a elite club? What no body expect was that this was not the only sussy baka among Korean politics and society. No, and this was not just some random club…

Over the course of the last two years, and unbeknownst to the Korean state, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had worked to establish a series of exclusive nightclubs across the southern half of the peninsula. Registered as legitimate businesses via shell companies and local associates, these clubs were marketed aggressively and promoted to Korean politics and socialite life.

On the surface, the clubs hosted some of the biggest Korean music acts, entertained some of Korea’s most influential citizens, and – at the same time – peddled prostitutes and trafficked drugs. The illicit activities of these clubs have been unmatched, except perhaps by the scale of Studio 54 in New York’s disco heyday.

The North Koreans had fitted tiny cameras and microphones in all the private rooms in the clubs where they recorded what likely amounted to hundreds of gigabytes of audio and video footage of various southern politicians and businessmen for blackmail purposes.

Drugs trafficked from the clubs were found all over the southern part of the peninsula, heroin filling the veins of dozens of people ranging from school teachers to major industrialists. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves: what are the concrete causes and consequences of this crisis? How can Korea correct the catastrophe currently captivating cafeterias?

The operating of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea in establishing these clubs was leaked after a South Korean police raid on the largest club following an intercepted shipment of drugs. There they found a server replete with data on dozens of politicians and the DPRK blackmail operation that was run from behind the semen-stained walls of the clubs.

It was a police lieutenant one young Jae who idolized the Gwangju uprising who leaked the video of the Among Us sextape to the press; alongside a list of all the other compromised individuals and the DPRK involvement. He said, to the press before fleeing to Berlin, fearing both southern and northern retaliation; that “the people of Korea deserved to know.”

The former Minister of Education and current Minister of the Interior and Safety. Seven National Assembly members. Two Supreme Court judges. Five business elites. One resteraunter. One soundcloud rapper. And one KPop star.

The ripples are crippling Korean society. Moon Jae-in has yet to make a statement. Surely the DPRK is cackling, despite their infiltration of the state being revealed. Indeed, perhaps they are cackling because their blackmail has been revealed. Only time will tell what this does to peninsular relations and – perhaps more importantly – what it does to reunification discussions. But hey at least its not a cult, right?

right?