I used suicide as a defense mechanism for a large part of my life. Up until the age of 28, maybe. If I had the means, like a firearm or the ability to drive I am not sure if I would've made it to 32YO. I'm legally blind, but can get a gun, thanks America! lol

I thought about suicide a lot, but used it in my mind as "an escape" sort of like Brian in the "no cuts" episode of Family Guy (Seriously, my favorite episode of the whole show.) I just never actively looked for a way to do it... that comes later.

My mother was very sick throughout my young adult years of 20-23YO, which greatly impacted my own mental health more than I realized at the time. This lead me down a road of severe depression, addiction, and suicidal ideation that lasted until around 26.

My addictions follow me and I have relapsed just recently after buying a point of meth (.1G, or 100mg) and used it all in a day. Not a proud moment, it's actually the main reason I gave my gun to my brother to prevent myself from doing something incredibly stupid in the middle of a psychotic break.

I am receiving care, therapy, psychologist visits, and a once every three-month psychiatrist visit on top... my insurance company LOVES ME! lol

I'm in a much better place, but you never fully heal. You learn to manage a lot of the symptoms and medicate others.

Back to suicide, I never actually tried, but I have held a chambered gun against my head with the safety off... while putting tension on the trigger. Was interrupted by my SO getting home early. Don't know if that counts.

That was in 2016... Trump was pretty far down my list of problems. LOL

It never made sense to me how a couple of my closest friends killed themselves, until I found myself in an eerily similar mindset.