I'm sorry for this being so long...

Me (48M) and my partner (50M) have been together 2 years. He is all bottom. I am vers top. He was not used to a LTR with anyone but total tops. But we agreed we loved each other enough to find ways to ensure I was satisfied. Including being open at some point. For now we are monogamous, except for some occasional 3ways along the way.

We agreed to play with dildos for me to bottom. In fact, early on he purchased several dildos and surprised me with them. Seemed like he was really into things. But...turns out he is not comfortable AT ALL with me using a dildo on myself or him using one on me. It's only happened 2 or 3 times. We've even tried using dildos on him a few times but he is not even comfortable with that. I've let it go, been respectful, but mention it from time to time. He has told me to have them available when we play, which I always do, and when he is feeling it and the vibe is good he will give me indication to pull them out. But it has never happened. Keep in mind we've been together 2 years now.

Recently we slept in late on a Sunday like always. He woke me up kissing me and eventually pushed me toward his cock wanting a BJ. Honestly, I really didn't want to. Mainly because we were up all night the night before playing and we had exhausting sex, I was just waking up and hungover, and I just wasn't in the mood. But I did it anyway, he came, and it brought him great pleasure. Me too because I was happy I brought him that pleasure. (He has issues cumming and so I felt I had given him something special.)

Well the whole thing really turned me on. So a little later as we were still laying in bed, basking from the glow, holding each other, and having pillow talk, I reached over and pulled out a dildo. I was turned on after what had just happened, been wanting to get fucked for weeks and had mentioned it to him a few times, and I thought it would be great to use it on myself while he is there with me. I even presented it casually to him as "maybe I can clean up and you know". I've told him before he doesn't have to be active in it. Just be there with me, maybe kissing me, touching me, stroking/sucking me maybe, etc. as I fuck myself. I'm talking just a short session where maybe I cum or maybe I don't. No expectations.

But his response that morning was a flat out and pointed "I'm not in the mood" and he pretty much withdrew from me. I literally blew a gasket. I couldn't believe after I was woken up, pushed to give him head, and worked on him to the point of orgasm (which takes a long time with him), that he would not even talk with me about it. At least say "I'm not feeling 'that' but what about 'this'". Or ask me what it was I actually wanted. Or offer to do something else. Nothing. Just a flat out "I'm not in the mood".

My being upset wasn't necessarily about sex or not getting it. I don't want to come across as some guy upset because he didn't get his nut. I'm upset (1) because I continue to get pushback on me bottoming in any way but MOSTLY (2) his response just flat out saying no after what I had just done for him. His complete refusal of my 'request' which I made in a very casual, respectful, playful, sexy way.

There are so many times I do things sexual for him when "I'm not in the mood". Things that he is not down with and doesn't do for me. (He won't eat my ass, give me body worship, give me feet worship, piss play, other kink, and only sucks my cock for a few seconds. He doesn't really give me much of any of the things I like and crave, other than kiss and bottom for me.) But I do all these things for him because it brings him pleasure. But to flat out say no in that moment...I was just totally hurt.

I consider bottoming part of my sexuality that he already makes me feel is some dirty little secret. I'm relegated to fucking myself by myself whenever I get a moment (which is rare). At 53 yo I feel I have regressed to my younger days when I was still in the closet or hiding my dildo from my roommate. It's really starting to hurt my self esteem. And I'm starting to develop an undercurrent of animosity towards him. To the point I want to withdraw certain things I do to/for him. Almost as a form of punishment or retaliation. (Not good, I know.)

I'm not demanding he fuck me. He has ED issues and I am very supportive of that because I do also and he supports me. I'm just asking he share in me pleasuring myself that way. Be there with me, pleasure me in other ways while I take care of fucking myself. And besides, for me it's not so much about fucking myself. It's more about having something inside me and the feeling it brings. I've shared all this with him.

I just felt hurt by his flat out refusal. I felt rejected. And again made to feel 'dirty' or even 'less masculine', especially because of the words exchanged in our argument before and after he hastily left my place. I won't get into the insults he hurled at me, some I couldn't believe would come from a guy who is all bottom. At the least I feel he could have said "I'm not feeling 'that' but what about 'this'". Or have asked me what it was I actually wanted. And maybe offered something as an alternative.

Am I wrong to have gotten upset?

Part of me says I had every right to get upset given what I had just done for him and ALL the things I do for him on the regular (and he knows I do way more for/to him sexually than he does for me). And the fact he just shut me down like that.

Part of me says I should not have gotten upset. I feel a little guilty thinking my request and his refusal was a petty thing to blow up over.

I know this incident is part of a bigger issue. And he knows it too. He keeps saying he will eventually get there. That everything is a process with him. (It's only recently that he's gotten comfortable sucking my dick for more than a few seconds. After 2 years!) But how long do I wait? 2 more years? 10 years? Do I demand we be open so I can satisfy my want/need to bottom on occasion? I really don't want to. I would prefer this be something I do with him.