My partner and I, (M30; M31) have been together for 7 years and open for 2. Our opening-up process was rather conservative, first playing together and eventually warmed up to meet up with other guys independently. Most of the time, we mess around when one of us travels. I find it very hot when my partner meets up with someone else in another city and then fills me in on the details. However, my partner is the kind of person who prefers an emotional connection with a person in order to enjoy sex--as opposed to myself who doesn't mind hooking up with people I basically don't know.

A few months ago in March my partner connected with a guy on Grindr while he traveled out of state. They never met up during that trip, but they exchanged numbers and continued texting after coming back home. My partner told me he was texting this new guy, which I found hot (even though he lived out of state). A couple of months go by and my partner never mentions him again. Randomly one day in late May my partner brings up wanting to go to see this guy, and for the first time, I felt very triggered. I assume my I felt the jealousy because I stopped hearing about this person and I never imagined my partner had been nurturing this connection. I really wish he'd bring his friend up in conversation every once in a while just to signal to me that they had a thing going on. I felt resentment because my partner held this from me when I think I offer him the golden ticket to meet up with anyone he wants. Like, there's no need to be sneaky about it or get weird with his phone. I even tell him I'm glad to take the nudes he wants to send out to other boys. I love him so much and I love that he gets to have his fun, but in this instance, I reacted by shutting down. I was so upset that I did not want him make this trip. I was overwhelmed by the thought that they were talking about meeting up and my partner only notifies me after their decision instead of keeping me in the loop of their conversations.

This created a lot of discussion between my partner and I, and we established new boundaries and expectations for communication. My partner agreed to stay home and not go see his friend, although he was annoyed by my limitation. And it is undersantandable that they were very excited to see each other especially after chatting for so long, but I was hurt. The whole situation left me jaded and I lost interest in meeting other guys. It made me feel very protective of my relationship with my partner and went monogamous for a couple of months. In August, my partner and I bring up whether we are ready to meet other people. I knew he still had his friend in mind, and indeed he asked if it would be ok if he went to see him.

It felt wrong to say no to my partner. In a sense, I sensed he needed closure. I agreed he could go only if he promised that would be the end. No more talking between them. I felt very sore from it all.

This weekend, my partner flew out to spend time with his boy, but I had the worst time at home. It throws me off how terrible I was feeling because I'm a big proponent of open relationships, yet this time I was so crushed by my partner being away. I had to ask my partner to come back home sooner because I was on the verge of breaking things out of frustration. Out of desperation, I venmoed him the $300 it would cost him to move his flight from 7p to 3p (I know, very toxic, but I was really going through it).

When he came home, I felt very angry at him. Even though I agreed for this trip to happen. I did not expect for me to feel this way because usually I like to hear about his adventures. Usually sex after he comes back is especially passionate. But this time I feel angry, jealous, and rejection for his body, and I'm feeling so crushed by it all because this man is the love of my life. He is also very receptive to my thoughts and emotions, but right now I am overwhelmed by the emotions.

I wanted to write this here to vent out and hear peoples thoughts and tips. I know this will pass and it only makes my relationship stronger, but right now I'm feeling so broken and disconnected from my partner.