Hi, this is really a vent post. I'm sorry beforehand for the ramble.

I'm a gay Asian & has had a really hard time dealing with life right now.

Backstory: My parents are pretty religious & homophobic to begin with. A while ago, they kind of found out or really kind of figured that I was gay by my actions. From then, it was pretty much hate for that. My mother seemed like the typical overbearing Asian mom, but then it became nonstop hate for everything simply because I was gay.

At one point, I "announced" I was not gay just to keep peace, but still then she would still keep attacking me and accuse me of having relationships with other human beings I barely even know at college. For my dad, he would just simply show disrespect & hate towards being gay & would even outright make gay jokes or be disgusted at anything remotely gay on tv or anything. Because I "announced" I wasn't gay ever since, I felt obligated to do the same & try really hard to not to be gay.

Another problem that's been going on is that my mother's attacks on me have become so negative & harmful mentally, we actually had her checked out. Turns out she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and we have her committed. Now that she's in, my dad's made it, so we go to drop stuff off for her like 2 times a week usually. Despite the gay problem in the family, me & him agree my mom is crazy.

The problem now is that it feels like she's the most important thing for him now. We have to make it on time to drop stuff off for her, I have to make stuff for her, I have to write a note for her, I have to do this, do that.

I don't want to anymore. I don't care what other people say. I just don't love her anymore. I've been tortured by that woman for my entire life physically & mentally. Some people I meet & know the situation say just let it go and forgive. It is partly the mental illness taking part. I understand that. I would say I'm a person of logic and science. But even then, I can't. I just don't see the point in having a relationship with her. This was the most stressful thing that's happened recently.

The effects from her don't stop there though. Because of her, I don't have any friends or anyone to talk to. I don't have any social skills with people. I go to college & haven't made a single friend because I can't. Even when I become free of her once she was committed, my insecurities take over. I would chat with potential "friends" or classmates and want to talk some more just because I feel lonely. But then when I don't get a response for like 30 minutes, I already assume people don't want to talk to me anymore. I don't even believe in myself for making friends anymore. Everyone already has best friends or social groups. I'll always be someone who people would interact with temporarily, forget, and go on with life without ever remembering I exist

I want to scream & cry every day when my family makes jokes or is disgusted for being gay. But instead, I just bottle up everything & keep a straight face on without ever reacting to anything. I feel like whenever I speak, I feel like I'm not talking & someone else is in my body doing the speaking for me.

I hate myself everyday & wish life would just stop. I even reverted to SH because of all the stress. My parents even saw my arms once and scolded me for doing that.

I'm tired everyday and have very little motivation to do anything. I want more to my life. I want friends. I want to be gay & be ok with it. I want a boyfriend.

I don't want to be the person everyone forgets about. I want to be wanted.