Looking for someone to vent to who wont judge me by my amount loss.

Hey all, earlier this year I stumbled upon a website that really hooked me. I always have a hard new years with my mom having passed on dec 30th. It’s been 8 years now and they used to be worse, leading me to my other addictions (drugs) but has been getting easier. Anyway, I found this site on dec 28th and it was my cope for the new year.

This was the first time I’ve ever had a site that I could redeem from regularly. My emotional part was bad in the beginning but I started to make rules for myself and I was pulling out 100-2500 often. Probably still a net loss but something. Around February I realized I had gone through about 125k in 2 months and with ftx killing my bags, I was able to get myself to self exclude. I have never had a site I want to play on other than this.

Anyways, the exclusion ended 5 days ago and I’ve lost 25k. It’s like my addiction had been on hold and i have put about 5k in each day without a single redeem. Only a few times was I up and shoulda redeemed but didn’t. Compared to 3 months ago I feel like my RTP has been turned off.

I’ve literally spent a full btc since I’ve been back and was luckily gifted with an appropriate weekly. However, I want to get my monthly before I pull the plug again. Im also super embarrassed and can’t talk about with my friends because they immediately just think about the number and tell me about all the things they would have done with it.

I can’t talk to my family about it because my dads mom gambled away her 16m fortune and was destitute. He hates gamblers and we are finally getting along from my history of substance abuse.

I’m familiar with AA and GA and have worked the steps in the prior. I live in a small mountain college town and there are no GA meetings here. I’m super ashamed at the amount because I see so many posts of students struggling financially while I literally spent 4 years of their salary in a matter of a few months.

People hate the fact that I own my home, have a car, and can afford to live off passive income. I worked hard as hell to get to where I am but I know if I didn’t have the knowledge my family had about real estate and financial markets, I likely wouldn’t have gotten to where I am. After throwing my life savings into crypto, I’ve been able to turn it into apartments and land and have done pretty well. People always say I’m lucky and I try not to talk about money.

But my best friend is a woman and since moving, she’s my person I confide in. Unfortunately her financial situation is horrible. I help her only when she absolutely has nowhere else to go because we know money will ruin our friendship, like it has in the past for both of us. But she literally won’t discuss it with me since she found out how much I spent in the 2 months I was on it. I honestly need her help though because my brain will just keep waiting for the next weekly or monthly and I cannot afford to spend 50k a month on there. I literally just saw a piece of land for sale that was at my total on the site and it was like god was telling me how bad I fucked up.

I don’t want to end up like my grandma but at this rate, I might. Would love to maybe vent with someone who won’t dismiss me because of the amount.