Happy Hanukkah!

Yeah, we could all use a little time to ourselves to relax. Life’s been hell! But sadly, I’m not sure this script will help you do so. It’s me trying to get you to relax, and giving you quite a bit of praise, you wonderful, wonderful, wonderful angel, but um. Things aren’t great now. Things are bad now. Really bad. I don’t even really fully understand what’s going on with that Harvard president and I’m just… so tired of everything. You should not read this unless you’re in the right mood, which is maybe never!

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It’s like we should relax (Did you hear about the House Resolution that collapses anti-Zionism and anti-Seminitism? Can the House just make resolutions on anything?) and try to be happier (did you hear about what happened at Brown’s kosher dining hall?) and take a goddamn minute (I thought that was Cornell) for ourselves this holiday season (have you heard from Tamar? Her sister’s over there in the army, right?) and like maybe masturbate and have some fun (I heard that the Rabbi over at the Reform temple across town said something in his d’var that implied Palestinians were animalistic and already 3 families have left the congregation in disgust) and I want to come sooooo badly (did you see that piece in the Tablet that suggested all American Jews should get guns?).

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You're a messenger of G-d, you're a credit to the Jewish people, you're so good, we keep fighting one another when we should be fucking one another

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CW: Discussion of 10/7 / Simchat Torah/Shemini Atzeret / Gaza invasion, Discussion of the war, discussion of dead people, discussion of the NYTimes photos of dead/fleeing Gazans, discussion of those bloody kibbutz photos, blood discussion, mention of Shoah/Holocaust, mention of anti-semitism, mention of anti-zionism, mention of nationalism, mention of begging God, mention of fucking someone while wearing tefillin, mention of Israel (lol duh), mention of birthright, mention of Baruch Goldstein/Meir Kahane/Jewish Terrorism, mention of "good Jew/bad Jew" discourse

I'm not super interested in you telling me I'm a bad Jew or a bad person for this one. If you're struggling and it seems like you're really trying, I'll try to engage the best I can.