Well, this happened. I won't pretend to have any excuse, aside from writer's block and sheer ennui. Enjoy?

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The RoomSMR

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O hai, listener.

Yah, I see you out there.

So... why you here?

Oh, I see. You feelin' stressed out, you can't sleep? Yah, I get that.

Have you tried some Red Bull? It good drink. It help me relax.

So, what are you stress about so much?

Uh huh...

(idly flipping football while listening)

Uh huh...

Ha ha ha... what a story, listener!

Anyway, how is your sex life?

You can't talk about it? Why naht? You should tell me everything.

You don't want me to even ask?

Hmmm...

I tell you my story first, all right?

Ok, so I work in a bank, and I'm waiting three months for this big promotion, and I love Lisa so much, an-

(interrupted) Who?

Oh, don't mind about him. That's Denny. He just likes to watch.

Yah. He's on the right track now. He's a good kid. He used to owe some money to a guy named Chris-R. But he's on the straight and narrows now.

What he need the money for? He never say.

Yah, well... you never know. People are very strange these days.

(to Denny) Denny, two's great, but three is a crowd.

Denny, go home, ok?

(pause)

Bye, Denny!

He's cranky today. Ha ha...

Ok, so Lisa and I... yah, we're still... we are having an on again, off again...

She said what?

I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her. I did NAHT.

No, it's not true. Don't even ask.

What makes you say that?

I don't have to worry about that, because Lisa's loyal to me.

I tell you something crazy, ok? I used to think that Lisa was seeing my best friend Mark behind my back.

So yah... I was stressing out too, you know. I thinking "They betrayed me. They didn't keep their promise. They tricked me, and I don't care anymore. They are using me. And I am the fool."

Yah, it's true. I keep saying to myself "It's not over! Everybody betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world! Everybody betray me. I don't have a friend in the world."

But I come home to her one day and I tell her "You have nice legs, Lisa."

And I get her a big present to put a smile on her face, you know? Anything for my princeeeesss. Ha ha ha.

So, that's my crazy story.

I see you are getting more sleepy already. Ha ha...

Mmm. You're right. It's hard to stress when you're sleepy. That's true.

(more football flipping while listening)

It seems to me like you're the EXPERT, listener.

Yah... I'm getting more sleep, too, since Lisa and I are taking some time apart right now. But enough about her...

You know... I'm tired, I'm wasted... I love you, darling. You wanna come back to my room?

Why naaaht?

Ha, ha... You must be kidding aren't you?

You want to go someplace else first? Okay, how about we go see movie?

What movie? Hmmm... Let's go see...

You know... Don't plan out too much. It may not come out right.

I have better idea. Let's go eat HUH.

No? You don't want to go out with me?

It's ok, I don't bite. I'm not vampire or anything.

Yah, I'm serious. You know, people don't have to say it. They can feel it. If you love someone deep within your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it.

You are just a little chicken. Cheep, cheep, cheep!

Oh, come ooaaannn...

You are TEARING ME APART, LISTENER!

(pause)

(sigh, calming down) Don't worry about it. I still love you.

You know... if a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.

Oh, also, I brought you something. (teasing) Just a little something.

(thrust giant bouquet of red roses in the listener's face)

Don't worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very much. And we will help you anytime. And Lisa loves you, too, as a friend. You are sort of like her baby.

Good night, listener. Thanks a lot. Byyyyyeeee!

(pause)

...Okay, let's go home, Denny.