Happy Hanukkah Day #5!

I can only imagine there are very few people who are reading this going HELL YES I NEED THIS. But for those of you, I aim to please.

You’re converting to Judaism, like right now, like right now, like you just had your final interview with three grumpy rabbis and your mikvah attendant is… oh. The hot ex-Orthodox lesbian from your synagogue. Huh. Well. Right, it’s a community mikvah, and they are always trying to get young people involved in… um, well, Jewish folkways. So she has to check to make sure you’re naked, like really naked, like nothing at all on your skin naked, before you can become a Jew.
….Huh.

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SCRIPT HERE: Baruch ata h' eloh' melech ha-olam asher kid-shanu b’mitzvotav vtzivanu al ha-tevila.

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If you didn't know, Judaism is truly an extremely kinky religion and has laws about making sure you're really, really, really, I mean totally fucking naked, like no-Nuva-Rings-inside-of-you-naked-because-that's-not-quite-naked-enough before immersing in a ritual bath. That's what this script is about. (There are also laws about, and I fucking kid you not, showing your used panties to rabbis so they can tell you if you were "really" menstruating or not. I might feel compelled to write a script about that too. Judaism!)

Note: I have gone to a mikvah before I got married. I'm not orthodox, but I like going to the mikvah because they're kind of "traditionally female" spaces and also maybe I like how weirdly adjacent to kink the experience is? But If you want to know about it, feel free to ask me questions. If you're thinking about going - or you're studying for conversion - it's not scary. Also, I promise I’m not like a Chabad rebbetzin doing some odd Jewish version of flirty fishing with this. (Can you imagine? Chabad’s big push right now is taharat mishpachah/family purity so they are all like all-mikvah-all-the-time.) If you’re being pressured into going to the mikvah before your wedding, like if you’re in Israel and you need to for your wedding to be "Jewish" or your parents are pressuring you to or something - - sorry. That blows. I'll talk to you about that too, if you want.
Note: If you don’t know what the hell this is talking about, you can read more about it here.